Now that my older children are becoming more interested in what their friends think and do, and our income is more in line with the middle-class neighborhood we live in, it is not as easy to beat a different path. An old-fashioned simple slow life is a beautiful ideal, but clinging to a rigid ideology has the potential of making my family unhappy.

After a year of epiphanies, I am seeing the beauty in compromise. As much as I believe in outdoor play and extended childhoods, for example, my oldest daughter believes in fashion and pop music. And as much as I might love walking everywhere and puttering around the house, my husband Enrico likes sports cars and weekend trips.

Finding a Middle Ground

Conflicting desires — within ourselves and our families — are normal and they make life interesting.

While the kids and I are doing the chores on the weekend, you can now hear Taylor Swift and Katy Perry booming from the new iPod in our living room. (Last year’s Christmas present to the girls.)  Together with hand-me-downs from our cousins, my girls are now sporting jeggings from the mall.

And, after years of no TV reception, we have a cable box in our attic, where my husband can sometimes be found watching basketball (or the kids and I, America’s Funniest Home Videos, our new guilty pleasure).

And the compromise that inspired this post? Well, against my frugal, debt-averse instincts, I got convinced to borrow money to do work on our house. I felt more comfortable squirreling funds away to pay for one-off projects, but that approach stressed out Enrico. He felt more comfortable with smaller, predictable payments — even if they’re spread out over 30 years.

There is no one right decision, after all. The important thing is to be aware of how our choices affect the overall budget or our life plan. How will the balance change and what will we have to adjust to stay on track?

Taking out a remodeling loan felt extravagant to me, and it took a few years to convince me to go for it. But now that I’m on board, I’ve been having a lot of fun figuring out how to tailor the house to our family while maintaining its old-world charm.

We worked with an architect in the neighborhood to create a master plan, and were able to convince the contractor who did a fantastic yet affordable job on our foyer to take on this project.

What We’re Doing to Our House

So what is in the blueprints? Perhaps the most important change is creating a third bedroom on the second floor by fixing an odd layout which had Enrico and me sharing quarters with our little boys. On the main floor, we’re adding a fireplace to the living room to create a gathering spot for the family. And in order to host our parents when they come in town, we are adding a guest room and bathroom in the basement, in addition to some family hang-out areas.

We’ve been keeping a detailed spreadsheet of the costs, which helps us see how each decision affects the big picture. Unfortunately construction and infrastructure updates are leaving a lot less room than we had hoped for the fun stuff.

Already, visions of handmade Arabesque tiles from California have been replaced by the clearance section of a Rockville tile shop. But just as living on a limited income for our first ten years of marriage has challenged and changed me for the better, I know that renovating on a budget will fuel my creativity and inspire projects that I’ll always remember.

I’ve already gotten a lot of satisfaction out of finding salvaged house parts to retrofit our 1916 house. Five-panel solid wood doors, beaded oval knobs, and decorative cast-iron radiators are built to last and cost a fraction of new. And I can start to envision myself painting faux wallpaper, repurposing IKEA furniture, and sewing shower curtains out of vintage linens.

My Old House Passion

“Old houses have a way of getting under our skin and bringing out an obsessive-compulsive, make-it-better mindset,” says Demetra Aposporos, editor of Old House Journal. I think I’m there.

Many old houses, like ours, have been tinkered with and added on to over the years, and now that we’ve begun, I’ve gotten a little perfectionistic about getting all the gunk cleared out and restoring the house’s original character. Considering this is the first house Enrico and I have bought, and it may very well be our last, the project has taken on a sentimental quality that makes the work even sweeter.

It’s been two months since we got started, and we have several more months to go. We’d love to be done by the time baby Diana is born in August, but I’ve heard enough stories to know that finishing on time is more like a fairytale.

The process has been both exciting and exhausting. When crews of workers and clouds of dust pour out of gaping holes in our walls and ceilings, it makes me wonder if it wasn’t a better idea to just hang a flat-screen TV in the living room and turn on the fireplace channel.

But Phyllis Rose says renovation is a lot like childbirth: when it’s over, you don’t remember the pain. I hope she’s right.

One happy side effect of having to rip holes in our walls and ceilings is that we will have to repaint. My daughters have complained for a while that “everything in this house is brown,” and on this point, we agree.

We’ve decided that the kitchen will be blue. The question is, will it be Soft Chinchilla or Heather Blue? But that’s for a whole other post.

Dear Readers,

I’m so happy to announce that, after an accident last fall where I lost all my images, the website has been completely transformed into something more beautiful and easy-to-use.  Frugal Mama now looks more like a resource-rich website rather than a daily blog.

The front page has a rotating slider that highlights recent and seasonal posts. Articles and printables are represented by clickable images. And I’ve added some new features, like my favorite products and press mentions.

The new site has just opened and needs some more muscle to get it fully stocked.  Over the next few months (hopefully before the baby arrives), I’ll be dusting off and spiffing up every single Frugal Mama post, with updated info and images.

New content will be added all the time, so I hope you’ll keep checking back.

Backstory:  Bad Accident

Do you remember seeing this post back in October?

With one click, I had lost more than three years of photos, images, printables, and logos.

How did this happen?  As one of many steps to increase security after getting hacked, I changed my WordPress user name.  But when I deleted the old user, all the media files associated with that user (me) were deleted too.  Whether this was a WordPress glitch or my own ineptness is irrelevant.  The fact was, after several professional attempts to recover the data, the images were gone, and I didn’t have a full back-up of my site.

Reconstruction: Cleaning up the Ashes

My first steps were the unfun ones, like reinforcing the foundation. I moved the site to a new hosting account, I invested in and practiced several back-up systems, and I began doing regular security sweeps.

Then, the photos.  To find the ones I had used on the blog, I would have to sift through tens of thousands of images. Due to several cross-country moves, computer changes, labeling systems, and a hard drive crash, they were scattered everywhere.

Even though I can’t say I got as far as labeling and organizing all of them, I was at least able to gather them all on a handheld portable hard drive.

New Life:  How the Website was Reborn

Structural work done, I turned my attention to the ugly blue question marks and 404 errors all over my site.  I just couldn’t face the hours and hours of painstaking work involved in finding, formatting, and re-uploading every photo to simply return to where I left off.

A redesign was the answer.  It was something I had wanted to do anyway, but who knows if I would have gotten around to if it weren’t for my accident? I imagined a portfolio-style website where blog posts were showcased with rotating and clickable images and past articles on any topic would be easy to find.

After trying to redo the site myself using ready-made themes, it became clear that I was in over my head. So I decided to take the remainder of last year’s profits (from writing and video jobs) and re-invest them in a professional design.

After a long search, I found Jennae Petersen of Hibiscus Creative, a talented designer who specializes in my WordPress theme (Thesis), and we put our heads together to create the new Frugal Mama.

I hope you find the new design easy to navigate and fun to use.

Before:

After:

So what do you think of the new site?

I‘ll never forget the time when my roommate, Colleen, in New York was making a Moroccan lamb tagine and, after tasting her dish, decided it needed just a little something.  Without looking at a recipe, her eyes scanned the spice shelf and then she grabbed a bottle of something, sprinkled it in, and voilà! she joyfully pronounced the dish complete with a fingertips kiss.

The secret ingredient was lavender, a flower that has long been cultivated as a culinary herb.  Mere mortals like myself can only dream of such instincts in the kitchen, but the great thing about edible flowers is that eating them doesn’t have to involve elaborate preparation.

As you know from my posts about our edible front yard last year, we would simply pluck fresh flowers and sprinkle them on salads for a shot of color.  You can use them to decorate cupcakes, or as they do in fine restaurants, fish or meat dishes.  And you can’t go wrong with battering and frying the more meaty flowers like squash or day lilies, a delicacy that our whole family looks forward in the summer.

Growing edible flowers has piqued my children’s interest in the garden, and even got them gobbling up raw kale.  What’s more, flowers are really easy to grow from seed — in your front yard or window box — making them a perfect way to whet your gardening appetite.

The trials of growing fruit and vegetables at home are sometimes not worth the yield (if you can manage to harvest before the birds, raccoons, and deer).  But flowers don’t seem to tempt the neighborhood creatures as much.  And because they’re too delicate for the grocery store, edible flowers are a natural way to put home-grown food on the table.

Last year we ate nasturtiums, borage, pumpkin flowers, and day lilies, and I did some research to find out more flowers that look pretty and taste good.  I can’t wait to try some of these this spring.

1.  Calendula

Also known as the poet’s marigold or pot marigold, calendula’s bright daisy-like flowers “smell like honey, slightly spicy and woody — reminiscent of fresh rhubarb or angelica flowers,”  says Susan Belsinger for Mother Earth Living, “and their flavor is pleasantly mild and vegetable-sweet.”  Belsinger says that the petals were used to flavor butter and cheese, and to color broths (like saffron), hence the nickname “pot marigold.”  Belinger uses calendula in her own kitchen for vegetable dishes, egg salad, pudding, herb butters, and in soups.

Calendula is also used in baked goods, like in this recipe for Calendula-Orange Biscuits by Teresa O’Connor, co-author of Grocery Gardening and creator of the blog Seasonal Wisdom.

2.  Pumpkin, Zucchini, or Squash Blossoms

Testament to how easy it is to grow pumpkins: the children I was watching through the babysitting co-op wanted to plant the seeds we scooped out of a Halloween pumpkin.  Not thinking anything would really happen, I helped them barely bury them in our side yard.  The next summer I noticed a vigorous vine in our front yard when buttery yellow blossoms began opening up every morning.

Having tasted squash blossom pasta in Italy (and knowing that my mother-in-law loved to stuff the flowers with mozzarella and fry them), we began experimenting ourselves.  Last summer my daughter, Virginia, and I published our favorite recipe for a dipping batter as well as one for pumpkin flower risotto.

You can also just eat squash blossoms raw.  Stuff them with any soft cheese like ricotta, mozzarella, or cream cheese, drizzle with oil, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Here’s a how-to from the New York Times.

3.  Roses

Roses have been used in cooking for centuries, dried and candied, strained to bake in desserts like cookies and cakes, or boiled to make rose water and rose-infused syrups.  (Here’s a recipe for white chocolate rosewater cupcakes.)

If you are thinking of planting roses to eat, the Gertrude Jekyll, Mr. Lincoln, or Tiffany varieties are the tastiest, according to Cathy Wilkinson Barash of Edible Flowers: From Garden to Palate, who has tasted hundreds of roses, and revealed her finds in an interview on NPR.

“So what does a good eating rose taste like?” asks NPR’s Liane Hansen of Danielle Custer, the executive chef of Laurels Restaurant in Dallas, who often cooks with roses. “I don’t think roses really taste like much of anything on the palate,” says Custer, “but there is an aroma and a texture and an association with their eye appeal that makes them very sensual, almost — what’s the word? — aphrodisical.”

See the rest of the article for more on eating roses and a recipe for “Quail in Rose Petal Sauce” that appeared in the book Like Water for Chocolate.

4.  Borage

After being interviewed for an article on edible flowers, I learned a lot more about the subject, including ideas on how to use the flowers we had grown last year, like the delicate, star-shaped borage.

Michelin three-star-rated chef, Yannick Alleno, who runs Le 1947 in Courchevel, France, thinks borage’s “iodised taste” blends perfectly with seafood, and he uses petals as both decorations for food and taste additions such as king crab with rock rose, chickweed and borage flowers.

I can’t make out much of a taste in the borage, but it’s so beautiful that, why not sprinkle it on top of stuff?  It would look especially pretty, candied or not, atop a summer cake.

5.  Portulaca

Portulaca oleracea (also known as purslane) is an annual succulent that is often considered a weed in this country, although it is eaten as a leaf vegetable throughout much of Europe, the Middle East, Asia, and Mexico.  It supposedly has a slightly sour and salty taste, and the stems, leaves, and flower buds are all edible.

I was also surprised to learn that purslane contains more omega-3 fatty acids than any other vegetable.  Yesterday the kids and I bought a seed packet, so I’ll let you know how this one goes in the garden.

Here’s more from Wikipedia:

Purslane may be used fresh as a salad, stir-fried, or cooked as spinach is, and because of its mucilaginous quality, it also is suitable for soups and stews. … Greeks… fry the leaves and the stems with feta cheese, tomato, onion, garlic, oregano, and olive oil, add it in salads, boil it or add to casseroled chicken.

In Turkey, besides being used in salads and in baked pastries, it is cooked as a vegetable similar to spinach. In the south of Portugal (Alentejo), “baldroegas” are used as a soup ingredient. Because of its high water content Purslane cooks down quite a bit. Pick more than you think you will need. Makes a quick cold soup in hot weather by cooking and blending together with other vegetables.

6.  Day Lilies

Word of New Yorkers foraging for day lily shoots in the public parks to take home and eat caused a minor uproar.  The idea of hunting for food intrigued me, so I was delighted to find day lilies growing along our (controversy-free) driveway.

We fried them just like pumpkin flowers, which have the same meaty shape and taste.  According to This Old House magazine, you can also “remove the bitter stamens from the center and spoon chicken salad into the flower cup.”  Lunch, anyone?

7.  Cornflowers

Remember how the color periwinkle was all the rage in the late ’80s?  Cornflower blue is just as beautiful, don’t you think?  Gillian Barth for This Old House says cornflowers can be mixed into pasta or salad to add color and an earthy, clove-like taste.

The cornflower is native to Europe, according to Wikipedia, and got its name because it used to grow as a weed in corn fields.  I wish I could exchange cornflowers for my dandelions (whose leaves, by the way, we did try to eat, but they were extremely bitter).

8.  Nasturtiums

Last year, we mainly ate Nasturtiums sprinkled atop salad.  They seemed too beautiful to cook.  However, Barth says you can stuff them with herbed cream cheese or fold them into omelets for a peppery punch.

Alice Waters of famous California restaurant Chez Panisse cooks with Nasturtiums.  I think I’ll try her recipe for Squash and Nasturtium Butter Pasta, since we are a pasta-loving family, and I’m sure we’ll be getting lots of squash from our farm share CSA.

9.  Marigolds

Marigolds have a pungent smell, and that is partly why they are used in companion plantings with tomatoes: to ward off the bugs.  However, Tejal Rao for The Atlantic says that, “the trimmed marigold tastes much milder than the flower smells, of a lush tropical garden, herbaceous and pleasantly bitter.”

Here is Rao’s recipe that I thought sounded good, using raw marigold petals with cold, sliced cucumbers in simple, sharp dressing:  Quick Pickled Cucumbers With Marigolds, adapted from The Forgotten Art of Flower Cookery by Leona Woodring Smith.

10. Lavender

Avoid the soapy taste of lavender by choosing the best culinary varieties, like Munstead and Provence, says lavender farm-owner Lisa McPherson in an article for The Washington Post.  She uses lavender to infuse vanilla, sugar, olive oil, and marinades for meat.  You might want to try her recipe for Blue Skye Lavender-Scented Shortbread.

 

I hope I’ve given you some good ideas for growing edible flowers this spring and summer.  Seeds for many of these varieties can be found at the garden store, but you could also order them from a reputable seller like Seed Savers Exchange.

If you need another push to get out the potting soil, the very best way to eat flowers is to grow them yourself.  Florist flowers are laden with pesticides and should never be eaten, the experts say, while nursery flowers have not been raised with the intention of being eaten.

If our experience is any judge, growing edible flowers is ridiculously easy.  If you can’t decide which one to try, you could test the waters by getting one of the newly-available edible flower seed mixtures.

Happy growing — I’ll try to check in later this summer with our progress!

Photo credits:  Calendula, Beach rose, Portulaca, Cornflower, Marigold, Lavender.  All other images by Amy Suardi.

This winter we were presented with a little surprise.  Make that a big one: we’re expecting a baby.

Funny how I used to think I could direct my life, but in fact, this journey is more like navigating a ship through the waves and storms, the sunsets and calm stretches. Events beyond our control, like economic crashes, hurricanes, and even our innermost psychological states, do not respond to our steering wheel. They are the ocean itself.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans,” Woody Allen once said.  Accepting this gift has been a lesson in surrender, and I am humbled to say that I have given in.

Sure, I had begun to set sights on taking my writing to the next level (and eating in a restaurant where the menu is not posted over the cashier), but those ambitions were easy to put to rest. My main thought was, how am I going to manage it all? On top of a busy household, including a wild and wooly two-year-old and a budding adolescent, huge projects had already been set in motion — a major home renovation (more on that in another post) and a total website redesign after having lost all of my images last fall.

But now that I’ve emerged from the fatigue and nausea of the first trimester, my new motto is, I can do it! A child is a blessing, as many couples who struggle to conceive know painfully well, and I am grateful to be entrusted with this unique joy and responsibility once again.

Already I can’t imagine life without her.

Our baby is due in August and, after much discussion with our daughters, Sofia and Virginia, we have a name: Diana Lux Fiamma.  Enrico’s Catholic mom would have called Diana a pagan name, but we think it sounds beautiful in both Italian and English, and it fits perfectly with our daughters’ love of ancient mythology.

Lux means light in Latin, and Fiamma means flame in Italian.  (I think she is going to be a feisty one.)

Sofia was the first to have two middle names, a usual practice in Italy.  We had already picked out her first middle name  — Stefania — to honor the friend who matched me and Enrico.  The second one came after the terrorist attacks of 9/11:  I was in New York visiting friends and was five months pregnant with Sofia when Enrico’s mom promised God that we would name the baby after the Virgin Mary if he would save me.  “You can’t make promises to God for other people!” I protested at first, but we all now agree that Maria has added a welcome layer of history.

Virginia’s middle names honor her two grandmothers — Emilia and Lynn — so we let our two daughters choose the middle names for their new baby sister.

Mark and Luke are nonplussed about having another sibling.  Mark, who is almost five, complained about having “another whiny baby” and suggested we name her “Breadstick.”  Luke, two years old, just said, “I want to see the baby.”

Friends and family have been so supportive, and I feel doubly blessed to have such loving, accepting people in my life. Not that long ago, five children was not a big deal, but for some reason, today it seems like a lot. Enrico was named after his grandfather who had five children, so maybe it was written in the stars long ago.

I don’t know what this baby has to do with frugality or saving money — probably just the opposite — but I wanted to tell you because, as readers of this blog, you are important to me. Getting ahead in the blogging world no longer interests me, but this blog has provided a connection to the world beyond my little life, and it makes me feel less small and alone.

Thank you for being here,

Strong relationships are always a good thing.  Study after study proves that the happiest people are those that have cultivated meaningful friendships, loving family relations, and positive relations with neighbors.

But relationships improve more than our psychological well-being.  People with strong personal networks have easier lives and spend less money, because they help each other.

Something as easy as joining a book club or inviting someone over for soup are ways that people build mutual goodwill or ‘social capital.’  But unlike amassing dollar wealth, this kind of capital is not just good for the individual. It’s also good for the big and small communities that intertwine the people of this world.

This week I am honored to appear at Enjoying the Small Things, a touching blog by friend and fellow blogger, Kelle Hampton.  Kelle is author of the New York Times bestselling book Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected. She is also mother to two girls and a newborn baby boy, and an exquisite photographer.

In Banish Mom Isolation and Find the Warmth and Connection You Need, I talk about my favorite three ways to get beyond the small talk.  From the post:

Raising young children can get a little lonely sometimes. Just getting out of the house can feel like an acrobatic feat. And with all of the naps, feedings, diaper changes, and gear, it’s enough to make anyone just surrender and just stay home.

Yet mothers are very much in need of communing with others. I find nurturing children extremely yummy and satisfying, but there is also a yucky side. Cleaning up messes, trying to reason with obstinate toddlers, and spending a little too much time alone at the playground can make the days long and the weeks draggy. And if we’re not getting enough sleep (who is?) or struggling with parenting issues (who isn’t?), then our need for a long chat and a good laugh becomes even more urgent.

Neither my husband nor I live in our home town with family and long-time friends. And since we have moved so much as we were raising our kids (five times in the past ten years), I have to be very proactive about finding friends and creating community. I learned that it’s just as important for me to form relationships as it is to get my kids out and about. Because let’s face it: if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

Here are my favorite ways to jumpstart the process of finding kindred spirits and fellow mamas, and start feeling good.

Click here to read the rest, and let me know how you keep your social life alive.

As you know by now, I am a big fan of moms helping other moms.  We may not live in houses full of extended family, like in the old days, or even in tight-knit villages, but it’s still very possible to raise children together.  Even though I do love babysitting exchanges and co-operative preschools, you don’t have to join a formal organization to benefit from free childcare.

When I lived in New York City back in 2009, my friend Elizabeth and I took turns taking care of our children. While I was watching her little boy, she was working out or doing errands. While she was watching my little boy, I was, well, launching this blog.

Here’s how our exchange worked and how we extended it to include more friends and more free time.

How to Start: Small

Elizabeth and I took turns watching our toddlers on Wednesday mornings in our building’s playroom.  Of course, if we had bigger apartments (and no playroom) we would have done it in our houses.  Public play spaces are another good option.

The swap started after we dropped off our older kids at elementary school and lasted for two hours (from 8:45 to 10:45).  We always brought our own snacks, drinks, and diaper bags, but this wouldn’t be necessary if the playdate were hosted at someone’s house.

Gradually Expand: Days and Kids

Once we saw that the kids were comfortable with the routine and we felt we could handle another child, we asked a third parent to join the swap.  That meant each mom was on duty only one-third of the time, instead of one-half.

Since we were really enjoying the time to get things done, and the kids loved playing together, we gradually added more days, and eventually, for each of those days, another family.

By the end of the year, our children were occupied four mornings a week, and each parent was on duty one day or fewer per week. I still got quality time with my son on our day off.  And when I was on duty, I got to see him playing and interacting with other kids.

Expanding our swap to more parents was also great for creating a strong personal network.  We moms would stop and chat before or after the swap or even have lunch together.  So what started as a way to get some time off actually filled our emotional well too.

Swapping with Uneven Numbers of Kids

Elizabeth and I only had one child under school-age with us, so it was an even-steven exchange.  All of the other families had just one child of age as well, until we asked a woman with a one-year-old and a four-year-old to join our Monday swap.

We gave her the option of:

1. just dropping off her toddler (with her older child only staying when the mom was on duty), or 
2. dropping off both children and taking on a extra turn.

We modeled this arrangement on a co-operative playgroup I directed where turns were calculated per child (not per parent).  So if a parent happened to have two children (usually twins) in a class, she would be on duty twice as much.

Since each child brings a level of responsibility and care, this seemed like the most fair arrangement for us.  But I’ve also been part of babysitting co-ops where the number of children was not a factor in determining points, so it’s really up to the people involved.

Our friend chose to drop off both children and was fine about taking on two turns versus our one.

Swap vs. Co-op

A larger, more formalized version of this exchange would be a babysitting co-op. In a babysitting co-op, a group of parents exchange childcare time using a point system. You earn points when you sit for someone else, and you spend points when someone sits for you.

One of the beauties of a swap, however, is that it is informal.  Plus the possibilities are endless with exchanges between friends. Here are some more ideas:

• Trading off every Saturday night with another family, so you can have some couple time
• Taking turns walking or driving kids to school
• Exchanging houses for a week and calling it a staycation
• Doing a dinner swap

Tips for a Smooth Swap

Even though swapping with a friend is wonderfully casual, discussing ground rules up front can help avoid any sticky situations.  Here are some points to consider before you jump in:

• Try to pick a friend with children of similar ages, especially for daytime “play” swaps.

• If discipline and safety are important to you, make sure you are comfortable with your friend’s style and standards.

• Consider other locations besides each other’s houses:  indoor play areas, libraries, parks, even gym classes.

• Iron out possible problems before you start. What will you do if someone is late in dropping off or picking up?  What if children are sick or an unexpected sibling has to come along?

Labor + Time = Money Saved

There are obvious trade-offs about babysitting swaps.  You save money, but you spend time and effort. On the other hand, when you pay a babysitter, you save time and effort, but spend money.

Getting used to different temperaments, cleaning up messes, and breaking up tiffs isn’t always what I feel like doing.  And whenever I am done with a swap, I need a nap just as much as my kid.

But, kind-of like exercising or organizing closets, sharing is good for me.

When I am there with the kids, I am really with them.  When I am off duty, I tend to be on task with my work because I know my time is precious.  When both my children and I are occupied doing things that we love, there are no more aimless mornings spent on shopping errands (and buying more than I need).  Instead my emotional needs are filled by getting things accomplished and connecting with the other moms in the exchange.

As they say, nothing worth having comes easy.  But a casual exchange with other parents was certainly not hard. And free childcare?  It’s a deal that’s hard to beat.

We all (including myself) get caught up in the idea that more money will mean more happiness.  But as one of my personal finance gurus, J.D. Roth, points out, “When we focus on monetary goals, we run the risk of becoming trapped on the “hedonic treadmill” (also known as lifestyle inflation), working harder and harder to make more and more money.”

This materialistic cycle does not lead to true happiness.

Can’t Money Buy a Little Happiness?

Sure, more money can make us happier.  More money can mean less worry about finances, more freedom to do what we love, or more time with friends and family.

As Enrico and I continue on our path to creating financial security, I am seeing what Roth means when he says that money is a powerful tool.  If you know how to use it and you are intentional about the way you use it, it can be used to build great things.  “But if you’re not careful,” Roth says, “if you don’t have a plan, the life you construct with your money can be a tenuous thing — even dangerous.”

I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point where the attachment to money begins to break down what I feel is most important in life — relationships, finding meaning, making a contribution to the world.  However, who am I to be immune?   Money (like power) is also like a drug:  dangerous if not controlled and used in the right way.

How Money is Related to Well-Being

Roth, who experienced his own personal transformation as he went from indebted to millionaire, thanks to the success of his website Get Rich Slowly, says most of us would be better off focusing on being happy, rather than rich.

Here are some lessons he has learned along the way — principles that are also based on research — and that resonate with me too:

• People who set their goals around relationships or personal fulfillment tend to be happier than those whose goals are built around money and more Stuff.
• Saving too much and depriving yourself in the process can make you unhappy. Be reasonable with your savings and treat yourself along the way.
• Experiences, rather than things, incite more intense emotion that lasts longer.
• Advertising raises our expectations about what we should have, which makes us more unhappy if we don’t have those things.

What Do You Need To Be Content?

To me, the hardest lesson he mentions is this one:

“True happiness comes when you learn to be content with what you have.”

My late mother-in-law embodied this philosophy. She adored her apartment — the same, 70s-decor two-bedroom she’d had since she married 40 years ago. She relished her daily routine and the familiarity of her neighborhood. She loved the basics in life: cooking and eating, children and family, church and friends.

Her neighbor once remarked, almost irritated, “You talk about your apartment as if it were a palace or something.” And she replied, “Because to me, it is a palace!”

Always Striving for More

Most of the time, I’m comfortable with my perfectionism and the high standards that drive me to continually better my life, my house, my parenting, my writing.  However, sometimes the constant striving just wears me out.  Sometimes I long to be more like Enrico’s mom: content with what she had.

J. D. Roth says that the key to finding this happiness-inducing attitude is to figure out what is Enough.

In many ways I have found this enough:  I’m fine about my ten-year-old banged-up used car, I’m OK with one or two pairs of shoes that I wear all the time, and I don’t care that my washer and dryer were in style in 1982 — they work like tanks.  Most parents can identify with how priorities change when children arrive.  Fashion out, function in.

Yet it’s not like I’m coasting.  I always seem to find other areas of my life to improve.  Whether it’s my website design, my writing career, or our basement.  Most of the time I enjoy the process of creating and refining to get things just the way I want them.  I think it’s when I set unrealistic goals that don’t take advantage of my strengths or take on more than I can handle that I make myself unhappy.

In Order to Add, Try Taking Something Away

When nothing seems to be going forward or you’re at an impasse, Matthew E. May for The New York Times says try cutting something out.  It is very difficult for many people (like me) to give up on an idea, a dream, or a commitment.  But giving up — taking away what does not fit, or deciding not to do something — takes as much discipline as persisting.

May, who is author of The Laws of Subtraction: 6 Simple Rules for Winning in the Age of Excess Everything, discovered a snippet of ancient Chinese philosophy  that changed his thinking:

“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, subtract things every day.”

Sometimes the key to our problems — or to creating a great life — is not adding more.  It’s editing out.

As you know, I’m already seeing that the key to being organized is getting rid of things, not buying more bins or creating more space.  Here are some other ways I see how subtracting has improved my life.

Not long ago, I narrowly avoided a very expensive kitchen renovation.  What started as an effort to improve the flow quickly dominoed into an entire make-over where every single surface and appliance was being re-designed.  When I came to my senses and decided to cancel the renovation and simply repair the 1970s range which had inspired the cascade of change, I felt a huge sense of relief.  A year later, I could not be happier with my choice.  My funky country-industrial kitchen has grown on me, and really, the most important thing?  It works.

Even more recently, I gave up my ambition to try to turn my blog into a money-making enterprise.  Turning down opportunities that were poorly paid and that I didn’t find meaningful greatly improved the quality of our life and has allowed me to save more money than I was making.

I also reduced the posting frequency on Frugal Mama.  Instead of three, we publish one article per week, and I hardly spend any time on social media anymore.  Yet I was surprised, and grateful, to find that readership continues to grow.

The principle of subtraction applies to big successful corporations, May points out:

Steve Jobs revolutionized the world’s concept of a cellphone by removing the physical keyboard from the iPhone. Instagram, acquired last year by Facebook, grew quickly once its first version, called Burbn, was stripped of many of its features and reworked to focus on one thing: photos.

Maybe ‘Enough’ is Behind You, Not Ahead

Finding your Enough and what works best for you can require painful decisions.  It may mean cutting out something that you’ve spent tons of time or money on.  Maybe it means giving up a cherished dream.  Sometimes, for me, it has meant letting go of a certain image I have of myself (or that I want other people to have of me).

To find Enough, Roth says, you must set goals. You must figure out what matters to you.  What makes your life meaningful. It can take years, and it may involve lots of turns and twists in the road.  We will be tempted, we will get off track, life will throw us curveballs, we will try new things, re-evaluate, and have regrets.

It’s all worth it, because trying to make choices that line up with our priorities — living a life that feels true to our values — is one of our best shots at happiness.

There is a much longer version of this recipe that I used to make when I was learning to cook.  Enrico and I had just gotten married and were living in Milan, and in one of our wedding presents — Marcella Hazan’s renowned cookbook for Americans The Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking — I found a recipe that combined two of my favorite things: pasta and cauliflower.

Enrico’s mom made cauliflower pasta the same way as the cookbook, but the method required boiling, draining, and then sautéing the vegetable in a separate half-hour process that involved almost constant stirring.  Then one day I went for dinner at a friend’s house — another American woman married to an Italian man — and she made a similar pasta with a broccoli, but it was much quicker.

Instead of cooking the pasta and vegetables in two separate processes, she simply boiled them together, drained them, and tossed them with the flavoring ingredients (oil, garlic, and red pepper flakes).

At first I looked down on this short-cut, favoring the authentic Italian slow cooking method, which I was convinced tasted richer.  But the ease of the streamlined (American?) method was so tempting, I too was soon getting dinner on the table in 20 minutes.

Another thing I love about this recipe?  It combines two food groups in one dish, so all I need to do to complete the picture is serve a hunk of cheese (or other protein), and done.

Here’s the easy recipe.

Pasta with Broccoli or Cauliflower Sauce

serves 4 to 6

• 2 small broccoli crowns or 1 big stalk or 1 small head of cauliflower or 1/2 large head
• 1 box of short pasta (1 lb.) such as tubes, shells, or other chunky shape
• 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
• 1/4 cup butter
• 1 to 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• pinch of red pepper flakes
• salt

1. In a large pot of water, add 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt, and bring to a boil.
2. Chop the broccoli or cauliflower into bite-sized pieces.  Stems are fine to use, but peel the skin of the broccoli stalk if it’s very tough.
3. In a small saucepan, sauté the garlic and pepper flakes in the butter and oil until golden.  Remove from heat before garlic gets brown (and bitter).
4. When the salted water has come to a boil, dump in the pasta and chopped vegetables.  Cook according to the pasta instructions until al dente, stirring occasionally.
5. Drain the pasta and veggie mixture and dump back into the pasta pot.  Pour in the garlic mixture and stir until all the pasta is coated.  Taste and correct for salt (although the salted pasta water should do the trick).
6. Serve immediately, with fresh-grated parmesan if you like.

Broccoli has more nutrients than any other vegetable, according to the USDA, including vitamins A, C, and D, beta carotene, calcium, fiber, iron, and antioxidants.  Cauliflower is a close cousin in the same family of flowering cabbage and is rich in vitamin C and potassium.

My kids love it when they can smell the familiar scents of cauliflower or broccoli pasta cooking, and even though certain individuals will leave large chunks of plant matter at the bottom of the bowl, I know there is quite a bit of good nutrition in the bits and juices that cling to the pasta.

I hope you like this recipe as much as we do.

January and February are prime months for securing a spot in preschool or summer camp, but competition is tough for high-quality, low-cost programs. Just finding the right programs can be challenging, and then there are the deadlines and complex application processes.

Yet if planning ahead is the best strategy for saving money, this is one instance in which being prepared can save hundreds and even thousands of dollars.

As an itinerant family on a budget, we have had to hustle to find affordable childcare, and most of the time, we were successful. Here are the strategies that worked for us.

To Find the Gems, Think Public

When looking for less expensive childcare programs, the safest bets are places that aren’t out to make a profit.  Kids’ programs are often subsidized by our tax dollars or by non-profits whose mission is to help families, making a welcome exception to the rule “you get what you pay for.”

Our most treasured resource has been the county Parks and Recreation Department, so wherever we move, I look there first. In Arlington, Virginia, we loved the Parks & Rec co-operative playgroups, preschools, and summer camps, and we now participate in D.C.’s co-operative preschools, where parents take turns helping the facilitator and bringing in snacks.

The co-op format saves us $8,000 a year over private school tuitions, and the neighborhood locations means we can walk, keeping life slower and closer to nature.

Here are some other places to look for affordable kids’ programs:

• State and community parks
• City recreation departments
• Libraries
• Churches, temples, and other religious institutions
• Non-profit organizations like the Girl Scouts
• YMCAs or JCCs (Jewish community centers)
• Community centers
• Public schools
• Cultural institutions, like symphonies or museums
• Consulates and embassies
• Nature centers

Aside from calling up these organizations one by one, how does one go about finding these programs?

Don’t Be Shy — Start Talking

Networking is just as important to new moms as it is to job seekers.  Ask everyone, but cast the net beyond your circle of friends. The easiest way is to hop on a parent or neighborhood listserv, but you could also join a mom’s group or just hang out on the playgrounds and strike up conversations with other parents.

Start your search with word of mouth, but end it with first-hand experience.  Find people who have actually participated in the program, and if at all possible, go to open houses, tours, and orientations.

Drop Key Words

The “good” preschools and camps that everyone seems to be talking are often feeder schools that lead to certain private schools, and one hopes, Harvard.  But since tuition can approach a year at a state college, you might need to drop words like “affordable,” “low-key,” or “don’t cost an arm and a leg,” to get your answers.

I admit there is something uncomfortable about combining the words “inexpensive” and “children” in the same sentence.  It’s like walking through the store carrying a carton of generic diapers — I feel as if the parents who are buying Pampers don’t think I love my kids as much.

But the question is:  do I need a Mercedes nursery school, or will a Honda do the job just as well?  I’ve come to realize that, as long as my kids are safe and cared for in a nurturing environment, they don’t need fancy extras or brand names any more than I do.

Contact Community Hubs

If you’re moving and don’t know anyone in your future neighborhood, reach out to community services like schools, parent groups, libraries — even real estate agencies.

Before we moved to New York City, the PTA president of our future elementary school helped me find a summer camp that was patronized by school families, and the citizen’s association in Syracuse turned me on to a cheap day camp that was held at the same elementary school that my daughters would be attending.

Don’t Forget Tuition Discounts

The exception to the “public is cheap” rule are private organizations that offer tuition discounts, scholarships, or sliding scales for people with lower incomes. Enrico and I qualified for a tuition reduction when we were in our first years of his medical training, which was a great help when we found ourselves far from family and in need of help with the kids.

Also keep in mind that some programs will be significantly less costly if the organization is allowed to transmit its message. For example, vacation Bible camp is one of the cheapest summer programs you can find.

While not all nursery schools are associated with the temples and churches that house them, some are easier on the wallet because they are subsidized by the religious instititon and are used as a way to grow the congregation.

Timing and Organization are Everything

Once you’ve figured out which programs you want to go for, it’s time to organize and strategize.

Print out all the applications, bookmark the websites, and read over the instructions three or four times until you understand all the steps.  Mark registration dates and details on your calendar, write sticky notes on the fridge the day before, and set your alarms.

Ask how hard it is to get in, and what you can do to increase your chances.  Some registration work can be done ahead of time, like pre-registering contact information, signing up for an online account, and practicing (if possible) going through the steps.

For our D.C. co-op, the coordinator advised me to have wait-list emails ready to shoot off in case I didn’t get in when online registration opened at 12 noon.  If you’re trying to get more than one child into a program, then it might make sense to have two adults online at the same time, since programs can fill up in seconds and computer systems can get overloaded.

Being Hungry Helps

We haven’t always been successful in getting the programs we wanted.

The swim lessons at our local public pool are a steal at $50 per season, but I was too scattered with running my business last year to figure out the arcane registration process. My husband miraculously made it to one of the 6 a.m. registrations, but the spots were all filled by the time it was his turn.  I was also too disorganized to realize that there was an early lottery for swim lessons organized by the elementary school, and missed out again.

You have to be hungry to grab these opportunities.  Now that our family is out of survival mode, we have gotten a little lax.  But we pay dearly for our lack of vigilance.  Because even though we might be able to afford the privately-run lessons that cost nine times as much as the public service lessons, that money could have been used for our retirement, the kids’ college, or furnishing our house.

Next time I’ll be better.

Like Earning Money, Saving Money is a Job

Being frugal takes work, and like any job, it has pros and cons.

My toddler’s caretakers may not have advanced degrees, the community center might be old and run-down, and I might be cleaning toys and wiping noses once a week.

But whether I am frugal to stay out of debt or to save money for the future, this simpler life buys me more time with my kids and keeps me grounded and focused on what’s important to me.

What are your tricks for finding low-cost children’s programs? I’d love to hear them in the comments.