A long-term Harvard research project called the Grant Study has been tracking 268 men since 1938 to see how their lives would turn out.  The study found that the men who flourished did not possess a certain social class, genetic advantage, or place in the birth order.

The men who lived long and happy lives had in common both the capacity for intimacy as well as qualities like persistence, discipline, trustworthiness, and order, says David Brooks for The New York Times in The Heart Grows Smarter.  The magic formula for an enjoyable life, according to the study’s conclusions?

Be affectionate with people and organized with things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Brooks’ comments on the Grant Study since I decided to drop the business side of blogging.  If I had continued my trajectory of pursuing more money and fame, I would have been less capable of giving love to the people in my life and of taking care of the things that I already have.

For a while, I believed success gurus when they said that processing emails and decluttering closets were simply feel-good addictions that would distract me from achieving something great.  But that kind of procrastination — avoiding a challenge by doing something easier — is different from letting your house (and inbox) go for months at a time.

I believed parenting experts who said that I should behave as if I had 12 kids. Too much attention and meddling is bad for them.  But when I was so consumed with getting ahead, my parenting style veered toward benign neglect.

Success in its traditional form — status, money, power, fame — is very alluring.  Yet guarantees are few that we will achieve the kind of recognition we seek, and of course, the pursuit of that status can make us (and the people around us) very unhappy.  Just think of all the great artists and thinkers who were never recognized during their lifetimes, and who died poor and ridiculed.

When I get that nagging feeling that I need to achieve something unusual to make my life “matter,” and that maintaining an orderly home is somehow a lesser pursuit, I need to remind myself that living an honorable life can be an achievement in itself.

A life that is first devoted to the people closest to me, before I attempt to affect anyone beyond. A life where I am not too busy striving to keep things under control.

I’ve always loved that the side benefit of a cared-for (however imperfect) house is that I feel comfortable inviting friends and neighbors in.  And in turn, inviting people over inspires me to keep things clean and organized.

When I am feeling stressed or chaotic, it is much harder for me to be warm and loving with my family.  But when I’ve done what I need to and feel (relatively) straightened-up, I am relaxed and open to giving attention to others.

As we inch toward a new year, I am seeing that “getting organized” is not just a feel-good activity that we do when we have nothing better to do, or only when we “have time.”  Taking care of ourselves and the things that populate our lives has been a principle in many religions and creeds for centuries, from ancient Hebrew traditions to the Amish to the Boy Scouts, symbolized by the proverb: Cleanliness is next to godliness.

So I say, we should go ahead and sign up for those month-to-month, room-by-room organizing challenges that we see in magazines and blogs at this time of year.  Luxuriate in the lull between the holidays, and allow ourselves to attack those kitchen office papers, stubborn to-do list items, scheduling quandaries, and annoying repair projects.

Forgive me if you’ve come to this conclusion long ago, but I am seeing that being organized is not for the “someday” file. It’s integral to my well-being and to the well-being of the people I love, and therefore, should be a part of my philosophy of life.

We talk a lot here about the value of handmade and heartfelt gifts, but the truth is, not all homemade gifts are made equal.

What makes a handmade gift special is not just the fact that it was created instead of bought. The gift has to be something that the recipient values.

If she doesn’t like to decorate with crafts, if she doesn’t wear wool scarves, or if candy wrecks his diet and perfumed soap makes him itchy, then a homemade version is not any better than store-bought.

The most effective gifts tune into the recipient’s wants — not the giver’s. And homemade gifts are perfect for the person who has everything he needs, because almost everyone wants more attention, more good food, or more time to do what they love.

Last Christmas I was completely overwhelmed with work that I didn’t have time to compile some of my traditional handmade gifts (like the year-end photo book that requires culling thousands of photos).

So I took a shortcut. I gave “month club” gifts which spread my time over the year, instead of cramming all the effort into the holiday crunch.  Here are my ideas, and one more at the end that you might want to forward to your sweetie.

Homemade Cookie of the Month Club

Last Christmas I gave my dad a Cookie of the Month Club. He loves fresh cookies so much that, even though he doesn’t cook, he will actually get out the flour and oats and raisins and make batches for himself.

So in his box under the tree was a tin of our favorite toffee cookies and a promise that my kids and I would make a different kind for him every month. I knew this gift would mean much more than any gourmet cookies I could put on auto-pilot.  Homemade cookies just taste better, and I’m sure one of the reasons why is that they are baked with love, not money.

Kids’ Art of the Month Club

For my mom, I chose an Art of the Month club where I promised to send her samples of her grandkids’ art and schoolwork every month. The package under the tree included a picture frame that could be opened and closed like a cabinet to change the art inside.

Of course sending schoolwork to my parents is something I should have been doing anyway, as I told Meagan Francis in our podcast chat on The Kitchen Hour about simplifying the holidays.  But I know myself by now, and unfortunately I am not great about keeping in touch this way. So the structure of the month-club gift also helped me be more of the daughter I wanted to be.

Hand-Delivered Wine of the Month Club

When I was looking around for a wine-of-the-month club last year for my husband, I was shocked to see how expensive they were. Since most of the cost seemed to be in the shipping, why pay for delivery, I thought, when I could simply pick up a bottle at the liquor store? To make the bottle more special, I promised to serve it with a candlelit dinner for two while the kids watched a movie.

These gifts, born from a lack of time at the holidays, actually became some of the most meaningful gifts I have given.

Whenever my dad called to thank me for the cookies, I could feel his happiness even through the answering machine. My mom looked forward to seeing report cards, preschool crafts, and self-portraits. And even though I confess that I fell behind on my wine-of-the-month job, the few dinners alone that my husband and I enjoyed were probably the best quality time we had all year.

Tips for Doing Month Club Gifts Well

The hardest part about homemade monthly gifts is following through. If I were to do this type of gift again, I would help myself be successful by planning ahead, setting a schedule, and batching tasks in January. For example:

• Be realistic about what you promise. If your two-year-old can’t sit through a movie (like mine), and your older kids can’t be counted on to babysit, then instead of a dinner maybe choose a late-night romantic movie with popcorn and hot chocolate.
• If your gift involves sending packages, gather boxes and envelopes for every month ahead of time — stamped, addressed, and even dated — and set a fixed day to go to the post office.
• If you plan on going somewhere or doing something, get out the calendar in January and pencil in a date every month.

Just as with most tasks, following a schedule and doing as much as possible ahead of time helps ensure we get it done.

More Ideas for Monthly Gifts — Including One for Mom

There are so many possibilities with month-club gifts and variations on the theme. My friends in New York got the three of us subscriptions to a local theater for my birthday. Even though we lived in the same city, life would get busy, and we would look forward to the night of “our play” and our time together.

While experiential gifts aren’t always inexpensive, they take the focus off of Stuff and onto relationships. For a child I could see giving a standing Sunday date of one-on-one time, a trip to the rock climbing gym, or monthly free event together. (Here’s how to make a coupon favor book to give to the kids.)

As a mom who can’t think of what she wants (and would never dare ask for this), what about a “day off”? This free gift made The Happiest Mom’s list of 20 Holiday Gifts for Moms:

A Day Off.  No kids. No responsibilities. For many moms, it just seems like a pipe dream; but it’s a gift anyone, with any budget, can give. Schedule a day that you’ll take the kids off her hands, and shoo her out the door to the movies, antique store or even just to browse shelves at the library. No dishes, no laundry, no diapers? Heaven.

Amazing how some of the most precious gifts can cost nothing at all.

Last year around this time, I was not as busy making gifts and writing cards as I was planning and filming the  Frugal Mama Makeover series on TLC.com, a set of six short videos centered around helping participants find a little financial peace.

Given that I was dealing with my own frenzy, I completely understood where Sarah, one of the participants, was coming from when she asked for help with making the holidays magical without the stress.

Sarah was already grappling with the uncertainty of her husband’s variable self-employment income. During flush months, repairs would get done and shoes would be bought. When income was down, everything was put on hold.

Understandably, the holidays put more pressure on their tenuous finances.  And gift-giving is just one of the many expenses that burden our holiday budgets. From travel and cards to entertaining and decorations, the list of extras just keeps piling up and makes us wonder how we can cram it all in.

To avoid marring the magic of the moment with stress about money, I helped Sarah figure out some simple ways she can make the holidays fun for everyone — without pulling out the plastic. Here’s the advice I gave her. (You can also see the companion videos at Discovery.)

1. How to Free up Funds Instantly

Life has a way of barreling forward and making us feel as if we don’t have time to stop and think. Until Sarah and I sat down and looked over her bank statements, she had no idea she was spending more than $500 per month on quick meals out.

Because she wanted to provide her daughters with hot meals (even when after-school activities spilled into the dinner hour), I suggested she cook large batches of family favorites that could be divvied up into thermoses or lunchboxes for those evenings on the run. That would mean freeing up about $400 per month for other things.

2. Make a Date — and a Plan

The next thing on Sarah’s agenda was a date with her husband. Finding the time to slow down and talk about what we really want out of life (Sarah mentioned retirement and a trip to Disney) is key to achieving our dreams.

To tackle the most immediate goal — getting through the holidays debt-free — Sarah and her husband could use this worksheet from Simple Mom to estimate the cost of everything from stamps to photos, then divide the total by the number of weeks until Christmas. By setting up an automatic transfer into savings, gift money would be safe.

Talking about finances is not always the most enticing prospect — but if we reframe it as defining hopes and dreams, it becomes almost romantic. I suggested they put in a movie for the kids, prepare a candlelit dinner at home, and also fill out my Life Goals Chart.  (Fun fact:  people who write down their goals are 80% more likely to be successful at achieving them.)

3. Cash in on Seasonal Work

While Sarah’s daughters were in school, she could think about applying for a seasonal job. Not only would she ease budget worries, she could earn a store discount. Seasonal jobs in retail, inventory, or gift-wrapping typically start at $9 per hour, and the average employee discount is 30 percent. A great place to start looking for these gigs is Snag a Job.

4. Use Layaway

To avoid those what-the-hey! moments when wielding a shiny credit card, Sarah might want to leave her card at home and consider layaway. (It’s even available online now.) Lots of stores are bringing back this classic payment plan, where you make regular installments until the item is all paid off.

Layaway requires a little more effort than charging purchases, but it helps keep spending under control and preserves peace of mind. By paying a little bit at a time, we know we are not getting in over our heads, and money set aside for gifts does not get eaten up by other expenses.

5. Go Handmade and Heartfelt

Like most of us, Sarah has a long list of people she wants to give to. Besides her children, there are her parents, in-laws, extended family, and dozens of teachers and coaches.

For teachers and friends, a plate of homemade cookies and a heartfelt letter can be more valuable than anything $20 can buy. Children can take off some of the pressure by writing their own notes, though they might need some guidance. One hint: Ask them to start out with “I remember when…” instead of the standard, “Thank you for…”

For her kids, I suggested she make them a coupon book of favors, using my simple tutorial and free printable.

6. Keep It Sane

If Sarah had an honest talk with her family about gift-giving, she might be surprised that other people are feeling the same crunch. Maybe they agree to limit gifts this year, draw names, or just give to the children. Another way people reign in the craziness is ask for wish lists so that people get what they need, not surprises that often miss the mark.

7.  Give It Away

When Sarah showed me a spare bedroom full of toys, clothing, and books that she was hoping to sell in order to buy new toys for her kids, I could tell that she was feeling overwhelmed by the time and effort it would take to do so. Earning money from selling our used belongings is a great idea — but we should ask ourselves if the potential money earned is worth the energy you’ll put in; chances are, it won’t be for small-ticket items.

One of Sarah’s goals for this holiday is to give to charity. So, instead of spending time hawking books and toys, why not make a big deal with her daughters about the spirit of donating them? They could bag up everything and bring it to a women’s shelter, children’s hospital, or missionary send-off.

You might be surprised at how amazingly receptive children are to the joy of giving. And they’re much more open to new traditions — traditions that can fill us up spiritually and take the pressure off spending and gift-giving.

So when it comes to saving money on presents at the holidays or any time of year, a few basic ideas came forward as being key:

• communication
• planning ahead, and
• giving of ourselves.

It’s easy to think we know what other people are thinking, or to say to ourselves, “Oh, they would never go for that.”  But people surprise me every day, and it makes me wonder why, as a grown woman, I still get concerned about what other people will think.

So talk to your family and relatives about what’s really important to you, and ask what’s important to them. Then if you need to make financial adjustments, prepare for big expenses by choosing to spend less on other things, or saving a bit at a time.

Not to get too mushy here, but maybe one reason we underestimate the importance of our time, our love, and our attention is that it can be really hard to go to those intimate places where feelings are exposed.  But I’d be willing to bet my 12-pound Thanksgiving turkey that a thoughtful gift, tailored to the recipient, will be more valuable than anything money can buy.

p.s.  Want to hear me chat with the fabulous Meagan Francis about Black Friday, Target temptations, and keeping holidays meaningful and low-key? Head over to the all-new Kitchen Hour and hear our laughy podcast chat.

I am always looking for ways to enrich holidays with more meaning and love. Last year we were on our own for Thanksgiving.  We had moved to D.C. just a few months before, and we were in-between visits to Enrico’s  family and my family.

The Thanksgiving holiday needed some more oomph, so I came up with these placemats that my daughters (then seven and nine years old) helped me write up and place on the table.  Before we sat down, we all had to go around and write on each person’s placemat (which were made of simple construction paper).

On Virginia’s placemat, for example, we each wrote something that we loved about her, something that made us thankful that she is alive.  Mark was only three at the time, so he dictated his answers, and Luke, just one year, was excused from praising, but he received plenty of praise (mainly for being cute).

Feeling Thankful is a Secret Path to Feeling Joy

Gratitude, and how it can boost our happiness, has gotten a lot of attention in recent years. Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project says that:

Gratitude is a key element for a happy life. People who cultivate gratitude get a boost in happiness and optimism, feel more connected to other people, are better-liked and have more friends, are more likely to help others — they even sleep better and have fewer headaches.

Gratitude is also a way to circumvent fear, the fear that if we allow ourselves to experience joy we will be setting ourselves up for disappointment. We’re afraid that the good things we have will be taken away from us, that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that the transition into disappointment will be too difficult, says Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, a book that I am loving reading right now.  But when we “lean into the fear and are grateful for what we have in that precious moment,” we can feel real joy, says Brown.

Being grateful is not easy.  I identify with Gretchen Rubin when she says, “I find it challenging to cultivate a grateful frame of mind. … I get preoccupied with petty complaints and minor irritations, and forget just how much happiness I already have.”

Holidays are perfect moments to coax ourselves into a moment of gratitude, and I love that these placemats can easily be saved and remembered years later.

In Writing, in Giving Feedback, in Praising: Be Specific

I liked the idea of tying our Thanksgiving gratitude to each person in our family, instead of a more general gratefulness prompt.  It’s too easy for a child to respond to a general question with a general answer like, “I’m thankful for my mommy, my daddy, my sister, and my brothers.”

Just as with thank you notes or any other kind of writing, kids might need coaching at first.  The word “nice” was off-limits in our family, for example, because it made it too easy to say, “I am thankful for Mark because he is nice to me. Sometimes.”

So when Virginia said she was thankful to Sofia for “playing with her,” I asked, “What does she play with you?”  When Mark was thankful that Mama “takes care of me,” the girls asked him “how” she takes care of me?  Dada plays with you, yes, but what is your favorite game that he plays?  What is your favorite part of the game?

Of course not every answer is touching.  Some are silly.  I still chuckle at one of those “kids say the funniest things” answers to the question, Why did God make mothers? “Mom is the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.”

Inter-dependence, not Independence, is the Goal

William Jennings Bryan said, “On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.”  In the age of supermarkets, indoor plumbing, and 24-hour wifi, we are pretty far removed from nature and how we are still, just like the Pilgrims, dependent on the earth for food, clean water, and safe shelter.

Being grateful for our family members helps highlight how dependent we also are on each other.  As parents we depend on children for laughter, opening our hearts, a purpose in life.  Of course children depend on their parents for survival, but they also depend on their siblings for companionship, fun, and, solidarity.

Dependence is often looked upon negatively in this land of rugged individualism (and perhaps the dysfunctional version called ‘co-dependence’ helped color it darkly), but in fact, the interconnectedness of humans is beautiful and good.

I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. Ken Ginsburg that my goal should not be to raise my children into independent adults, but to create an interdependent family.  I want my children and grandchildren to live close to me, to come over for dinner all the time, to call me with questions, to involve me in their lives until the day I die.

One of the trickiest tasks, therefore, for me as a parent is to create an environment and a family dynamic that will encourage closeness.  Making holidays satisfying and memorable, and fostering an atmosphere of love and acceptance, is one way I hope to increase my chances.

Want to start your own Thanksgiving ritual?  I love these other ideas at Dr. Laura Markham’s Aha Parenting.

And, if you’re cooking, you might remember my four favorite make-ahead Thanksgiving dishes and more ways to simplify Thanksgiving meal preparation.

With gratitude for you,

This summer I stepped back and saw what I had become since I started blogging for money. And I didn’t like it.

Jockeying for attention in the age of a million blogs and still trying to care for my family, live by my values of meaning and connection, and maintain a simple, sweet, slow life was an impossible ideal.

In the past year my life began to go so fast that I didn’t have time to volunteer at the school, meet a friend for coffee, or spend one-on-one time with my daughters. I didn’t get enough sleep, I never read books, and my house was still disorganized a year after we moved in.

Work began to seep into every quiet kid-free moment I had, from morning babysitting hours to nap time, then evenings and weekends. Time once spent on keeping in touch with relatives, exploring the place we live in, or throwing parties became slowly consumed by getting ahead and becoming “someone.”

I got so caught up in the idea of success that I forgot what I wanted in the first place.

Afraid I Would Look Back on My Life in Regret

When a friend of mine sent me the following question, I knew that something in my life was way off:

Imagine yourself at the age of 75, looking back on the life you’ve lived thus far and thinking about what you’ve done/experienced that was truly Important & Worthwhile. What percent of that Important & Worthwhile stuff from your life do you think will come from the professional/work/job sphere?

When I read that question, all I could see were my children’s faces. I could only assign ten percent of the Important and Worthwhile to the business, yet I was spending exorbitant amounts of life energy on it. What was wrong here?

The only way I was able to achieve the kind of mental clarity needed to process such a question was to completely detach myself from the online world for a couple of weeks this summer. By unplugging, I allowed all the little details and distractions to subside — the emails, the blog deadlines, the LinkedIn postings, the Twitter @replies, the opportunities that kept trickling in.

By silencing the urgent, I was able to hear the important.  My family and writing: those were the top two most meaningful things to me. So if writing was my mission, then how did I get caught up in the noise of branding, reality web shows, page rank, and traffic bonuses?

Success Can Be Won, but It Comes at a Cost

When I started my blog, I wanted to become known as a writer and get paid for assignments. I achieved this goal, but it wasn’t the way I imagined.

In Don’t Read This If You Want Your Life to Stay the Same, I recounted how my relative success happened quickly and why. It began with a couple of paid articles, then a morning news show, then getting hired by TLC, and being flown to New York for a photo and film shoot. Even after I stopped asking for opportunities, they kept coming.  Babble asked me to join their stable of writers, TLC wanted me to do a video series, and The Washington Post wanted to do a feature.

It was all exciting and, and (for fleeting moments) glamorous, and it made me feel like I had finally arrived. This late-bloomer at-home mom was creating a “brand,” becoming a personal finance coach, and learning to be a business owner. And along with those roles and responsibilities came more work, more time, more effort, more pressure.

To keep up with all this earning, I had to begin spending. From the legal help, tax prep, and childcare to the technical assistance, graphic design, wardrobe, haircuts, and website fees, my life was migrating from frugal and simple to enterprising and complicated.

One of the biggest paradoxes of this great experiment was that by gaining recognition for my lifestyle choices, I not only made that kind of life very difficult to maintain, but I began to be steered away from the very values it was based upon.

Blogging Feels Productive, but the Financial Rewards are Elusive

The tricky thing about success in the blogosphere is that all those “opportunities” don’t often translate into real dollars. For a while my husband and I justified the time I was spending on writing and website stuff because there was the promise, always the hope, that it would lead to something big, and ideally, big money. Not just fun money, but renovating-the-basement money or family-vacation money. It did not.

The money I made from writing a post for Parentables did not even cover the cost of a sitter. Freelance writing is not about the money, I eventually learned. It’s about the flexibility of working in your pajamas, the freedom to write about your last vacation, and the cachet of being associated with a larger publication.

Since freelance jobs require more and more time, I hoped that tacking up banner ads on my blog (after three years of building followers) would be a so-called passive income stream. But advertisers that were compatible with my message weren’t exactly clicking down my advertising door. Magazines have entire offices and millions of dollars invested in trying to sell ad space. Even for big successes like Problogger, drumming up direct ad sales is an extremely difficult endeavor.

Many mom bloggers make an income by helping promote products or services for companies. But given my blog’s focus, how could I talk up paper towels when I know that rags work just as well and are better for the environment? How could I promote spaghetti sauce in a jar when I’ve already said how much better it is (and how easy) to make it at home?

After hearing that some bloggers make good money on referral commissions, I experimented with Amazon’s affiliate program. But the time and frustration of formatting those links and images were onerous, and the earnings — a total of $34.61 from one of my most popular posts — were not worth the inner conflict I felt. A business-savvy person wouldn’t flinch, but I could never quite swallow the idea of sending my readers to links where they could buy something brand-new when it would be better for them if they checked the book out from the library or made their own own money jars from coffee cans.

The only job that rendered any realistic amount of money was the money makeover video series for TLC (which was removed six months afterwards, due to sponsorship issues, and deposited at HowStuffWorksVideos). But the pay should have been a lot more to account for the incredible amount of prep work and the taxing filming schedule, even if it was rewarding to work face-to-face with people (and to have an excuse to buy a curling iron).

The crazy thing is that when I tally up all my expenses — all the spending associated with my earning — I think my business will have been a complete wash.

Making Money Online is Possible, but It Requires Rearranging Mountains

People who are making money online have not discovered some secret tunnel to dollars and dreams. Along with passion, dedication, and talent, they are putting in an intense amount of work. They are also probably entrepreneurial, have loads of confidence, and their spouses may be working alongside them.  As you know, I am lacking in these departments.

J.D. Roth, founder of Get Rich Slowly, was able to achieve major financial success with his blog. But he was working all the time — 60 hours a week — and was not happy. Dedication to the business meant the rest of his life went neglected, and he had moved far away from his original goal of a peaceful life full of hobbies, friends, and simple pleasures.

Like Roth, we have achieved a level of financial security — but after years of working and studying day and night and Sundays, my husband is still working and studying day and night and Sundays. We got through the lean years when he was in training because we stuck to the basics and tried to find the fun in the simple things, and it was a lifestyle that we grew to love.

To make more money, I would have had to give up that life.  And for what?  To buy fancier furniture or save more for college when now is when my children really need me?  To increase the chances that someday, someone might walk up and offer me a million dollar book deal?

Certainly this choice was easier because we didn’t really need a second income.  Living below our means has always been something we worked hard at so that we could keep our options open. If we really needed the money, the truth is, I wouldn’t be blogging. I’d be out there hustling for a real job, and this blog post would never have been written.

I don’t think it was wrong to try to translate my blogging into money, but the error was in thinking that I could make money from just a little more effort, just a little more time. As a popular mom blogger commented to me the other day, the work of blogging seems to multiply twice as fast as the income.

How can one ever feel like she has done enough when there are always hundreds — thousands — of blogs that are more successful, more influential, more commented on, more Tweeted, more Pinned, more Liked?  When by hanging our shingle on the World Wide Web, we are potentially competing with everyone in the world, including multi-national corporations with their own websites?

Deciding to Do Fewer Things Better

Since I started my blog three years ago, and especially since things started ramping up, I have been in a period of Yes. I was excited to try new things, to take every opportunity that came my way, to follow every lead.  I was learning about who I was and what I could do well.

Now that I’ve stepped back and looked at myself in the big picture, I can see that the things I hold dear are still the same. Yet, if I continue saying yes and wanting more, I cannot possibly hold them all close to me.  I am not superwoman. I may have lots of energy and an almost-addiction to “getting things done,” but I still haven’t discovered the trick to making 34 hours in a day.

It’s time to do fewer things and do them better. To come back to center. To put my energy where my priorities lie.  Relationships, the spirit of cooperation, caring for each other, living with purpose, doing one thing at a time, quiet, nature, good food, friends.  And if I have time, to write something that feels difficult and important.

For years now, I have longed to write personal essays.  I’ve always been wowed by those essays that you see in magazines and newspapers where the writer puts words to a feeling that I didn’t know I had, answers a question that I’ve always longed to know, or that makes me see the world in a different way.  I want to do that too.

It was hard to get published back then, and maybe it will be just as hard (or harder) now, but I feel that it’s time for me to step up to the challenge.

I am Still Committed to Frugal Mama

This may all sound pretty dramatic, but Frugal Mama will live on and it will be better than ever. The ten percent that I found fulfilling about my work was connecting with my readers and feeling like I was actually helping people. I’ve also been enjoying writing a bit more soul into my posts, and I’d like to continue to do that, by delving into the emotional dimensions of saving money and making life better.

But everyday tips and practical advice are still important. So to fortify the Frugal Mama mission while freeing up some of my time, I have asked six wonderful women to join me in writing about living a satisfying life on less. Bringing on these fellow writers is the change I have been hinting at for a while, and I’m so happy to tell you about this new collaboration.

These writers, who I will introduce you to later this week, will write about once a week on simple living, managing technology, free play, raising children, saving money, and slowing down. They are long-time friends, colleagues, and kindred spirits, and I’m so excited they were willing to dedicate some of their time (they are all mothers who have other occupations too) to breathe new life into Frugal Mama.

Inspiration May Be Easy; Staying the Course is Not

It’s been about a month since I made my decision to slow down and drop the business side of blogging. Blogs depict life as it unfolds, which is both their strength and their vulnerability. When you have to publish every week (or even every day), there is not a lot of time for reflection and seeing how things pan out. So in the spirit of being real (and not just inspiring), I wanted to share with you how it has been to live with my choice.

Three weeks ago I gave notice at Parentables. After writing for this Discovery parenting site for one and a half years, this Thursday will be my last post.  I am grateful to have been given the opportunity — it was my first big break and I learned a lot — but I had reached the point of diminishing returns. I told them that I would not be able to participate in a renewal of the Frugal Mama video series that was in the works. If writing is my priority, then no amount of film clips in my portfolio will help me get there.

I began unsubscribing from all the media lists I had stayed on in the hopes that one day I would get that perfect pitch for my blog, even though it really just meant 90 emails a day cluttering my inbox about this new product, that new online tool, this new trend I could “share with my readers” but that was never really good enough to bother you with.

I took down the advertisements (most of which were placeholders by friends) and will slowly dismantle any affiliate links. I don’t worry so much anymore about all the underlined parts in Success Secrets of the Social Media Superstars on how I could market my Facebook page better, although I acknowledge that I’ve made some of my most rewarding connections on Twitter and Pinterest.

Some days I feel a huge sigh of relief, as if I’m slowly letting air out of a balloon that was pulling me strange places far from home. Some days I feel deflated.  As much as it was a wild and unsustainable dream, the idea of having it all was kind of exhilarating.

Some emptiness I have immediately filled with activities that are important to me, like volunteering at Luke’s preschool, helping to organize a block party, rekindling a family blog where I interview my daughters, getting rid of all the junk in the junk drawer, and fixing a screen door and a bed frame that had been broken for the last year.

And some day, sooner now rather than later, I’ll have to deal with the mess of unfinished projects and boxes in the basement and garage, the feelings of being the new mom at the elementary school where it seems like everyone else has known each other all their lives, and worst of all, wrangling the 26,000 photos on my dying computer in the attic so that I can finally compose a photo book for the grandparents (I’m sorry, Mom and Dad, that you have had to wait so long).

Finally, I will have to deal with myself.  It’s not like the aggressive world of business snatched away my halo. I was no saint before I went there, and I’m certainly not one now.

In order to write something great, I will have to pull myself away from organizing a babysitting co-op or sewing curtains. But in order to organize the babysitting co-op and sew the curtains, I will have to pull myself away from writing something great.

I bet you all know a little something about balance, too. And here is a little example of how I will continue to face that push and pull.

I Will Be Challenged Every Day

Last night my daughters were all excited for me to see a movie with them, The Lightning Thief, which we had checked out from the library due to their building interest in Greek mythology and then the Rick Riordan books.

“Can you watch it tonight, Mama?” Virginia asked.  Darn, tonight was the night I was going to revise the post about why I’m quitting blogging for business so I can spend more time with my family.

“No, I can’t tonight, girls,” I said, not unaware of the irony of my response. “I can watch it this weekend though,” I said.  Once I hurry up and get this post published and tell everyone I’m slowing down, then I can really slow down.

“Oh man, why can’t you watch it tonight, Mama?” Virginia asked, as our house came into view on our walk home from school.

You had to ask, I thought. “I have to get a blog post published. I haven’t published anything for almost a week, and I really have to get something new up on the site.”

“It’s always about the blog,” Sofia said, as if kicking a deflated soccer ball with her words.

For another hour or two, while I was making dinner and the girls were doing their homework at the kitchen table, I hung onto the idea that my work was more important than “just” watching a movie.  That I really really needed to publish soon because I had spent all weekend hanging out with neighbors and doing laundry and going apple-picking with the family and reading books, and hadn’t gotten any work done.  Sure, I was also looking forward to reworking that last paragraph, and finding a good quote to express that idea about staying on the right path, and while Enrico was working late again and the boys were in bed early, maybe I could even catch up on emails.

How many times had I made this excuse over the past three years?  Yes, it was just a movie, not reading a chapter book together, or having a bedtime chat, or going to a pumpkin patch. But the movie was important to them, and it was a window into what they were thinking about, and how much longer would they even want me to watch with them?

I watched The Lightning Thief last night, squeezed in between an early dinner and bedtime, on the couch in the basement squeezed in between two of my most precious people.

And instead of striving to be a great writer, I strove to be a good mother.

Just as I applied discipline and love to being a successful blogger, I need to apply similar commitment to being a good wife, a good neighbor and citizen, a good sister, daughter, and daughter-in-law. Friend.  I have a feeling that these ideals are much harder to attain.

I skip the wrapping paper, magazines, and candy, and donate directly to the school.  American parents cannot escape scholastic fundraising cycles.  Whether our kids go to private, public, or pre-school, we are asked to round out budgets for desks, smart boards, and even teacher salaries.

I believe in supporting education, and I have dedicated my time (sometimes enormous amounts of it) to help my kids’ schools and preschools.  And because our family has benefited greatly from the free education that our cities, counties, states, and our country provide us, I also feel obligated to help financially.

But it never felt right to me to squander the good will of my friends, neighbors, and relatives by asking them to buy the over-priced, under-quality goods in the fundraising catalog.  My children are the ones benefiting after all, so isn’t it my responsibility to help, not my neighbors who have already paid taxes to that end?

To avoid the embarrassment and assuage the guilt, I would end up buying a bunch of stuff I didn’t need, just to support my fellow PTA volunteers who were doing their best to help the school. Finally, after years of eating bad chocolate, buying wreaths I didn’t need, trying to get people to subscribe to magazines, and giving away cheap doodads as Christmas presents, I decided to stop.

When I was presented with another coupon book to sell (50 percent of profits go to our school!), I hemmed and hawed and finally just wrote a check to the PTA.  As I explained in How I Avoided the School Fundraiser and Still Felt Good About It, the school got 100 percent of our money, and I kicked the guilt.

Michelle Singletary, personal finance columnist for the Washington Post, has a similar philosophy and I thought she expressed it so well in her book, Spend Well, Live Rich:

I … object to having my children or myself used as unpaid salespeople for professional fundraising companies. Believe me, I understand the psychology behind all this selling. It’s not easy to get folks to fork over money, even for a good cause. I also realize this type of fundraising is successful in providing money for needed school supplies and activities.

But seriously, how many of us — without the guilt — would spend $11 for a five-ounce Coca-Cola mailbox tin filled with mixed candy? I know I would never pay $7 for several sheets of wrapping paper, which most of the time aren’t long or wide enough to cover anything I want to wrap. How about paying $11.50 for a tin of animal cookies? Personally, I think we parents should agree to stop peddling to one another. If you want to give money to a school, fine. But this routine of “I buy from your kid, you buy from mine” is maddening.

As a result, my husband and I just write a check directly to the school or parent association. That way they keep 100 percent of the money.

— Michelle Singletary, author of Spend Well, Live Rich: How to Get What You Want with the Money You Have

This year, Enrico and I were able to give a lot more than in years past.  It feels right to give back to a system that has helped us educate our children.

Direct donations — in any amount — are simple, less wasteful, and don’t turn human relations into commercial transactions.  I bet that the schools and teachers and PTA don’t mind at all if we don’t buy wrapping paper. As long as we help.

How do you handle school fundraising drives? Let me know in the comments.

I take whatever I have on hand and make it look neat with bento-style containers.  Fast and healthy is the goal, and I find that easier to achieve when I can just grab whole foods without combining them into complicated recipes.

I love how these compartmentalized lunch boxes make pizza and peaches look kind-of gourmet.

As you know, I’ve come to see that meals don’t have to be elaborate to be good.  Who has the patience for the kids’ lunch ideas we see in parenting magazines anyway?

White bean hummus Mexican veggie wraps, baked honey-lime drumsticks, and mock sushi stuffed with matchstick cuts of pear, cucumber and Jack cheese are wonderfully inventive, but for me, it’s setting the bar too high.  We still get excited about salami and French bread around here.

One of the reasons I bought these containers from Easy Lunchboxes was to keep sandwiches from getting squished.

But I love how the compartmentalized containers make it easier for me to break out of the sandwich-rut.  Bits and pieces from the fridge and cupboard that might have looked sad or smushed by noontime, look kind-of fun presented this way.

Please note:  I have absolutely no connection with Easy Lunchboxes.  I don’t receive any commissions or free products or slaps on the back if you buy anything in this post.  I just wanted to share something that was working for us.

I started looking for new lunch containers when my daughters complained that other kids had three or four foods to choose from in their lunches.  I found lots of adorable Bento boxes with matching lids that fit together like puzzles. But they looked like something I’d find really cute the first week, and then annoying thereafter.

Yes, these containers are plastic, but the BPA-free parts are dishwasher-safe and, with only two pieces, they’re easy to wash and store.

Downsides?  The lids are loose enough for small children to open by themselves, but not tight enough to contain wet foods.  (I tried that once, and the girls still remember their orange slices coated with cottage cheese.)

I also wish the containers were a tad deeper.  They’re perfect for sandwiches and sliced fruit, but sometimes too shallow for a small apple, a roundish dinner roll, or even a diagonal stack of Saltine-size crackers.

The outsized food problem is solved with the companion lunch bag (also sold by Easy Lunchboxes and Amazon).  It’s deep enough that I can add a tub of yogurt or another plastic container of snacks, with plenty of room for a water bottle.

One small warning:  Even though these lunch bags are billed as “cooler” bags, the insulation is scant.  After a couple of washes (I forgot to use the delicate cycle), the insulation began to come loose — even though the canvas, handles, and zippers are holding up.

All in all, I thought they were sturdy enough to buy for Mark, who starts pre-K on Friday.  And since the lunch bag fits the containers perfectly, the boxes stay upright.

Less Waste

Finally, I love how my kids are creating zero trash with their lunches.  No more little plastic bags, and since they use a cloth napkins which I throw in the wash at the end of the week, not even any paper waste.  For water bottles, we found an easy-to-clean loop-top bottle from Nalgene.  (Mini-Grip Bottle from Nalgene).

More Lunch Ideas

If you’re looking for more inspiration, I’ve rounded up 21 food ideas for simple lunch combinations at Parentables today.

I try to stick to the basic formula of protein + grain + fruit or vegetable = good-enough lunch.   Even if I left off a food group, it would still be good-enough. Kids don’t have to get all their nutritional needs met in one meal, after all.

This post is part of a new series called How I Simplify.

How do you simplify school lunches?

Forget recipes. Learn a few basic cooking techniques that can be applied to any food you find at a good price.

This was one of my 13 tips for for the Washington Post.  After years of clipping magazine recipes and ponying up for specialty ingredients which went mostly wasted, I settled into simple food prep.  Sure, I still like to do an elaborate recipe every once in a while, but I realized that the time and effort involved was not necessary for every day.

All I need on hand to get almost any meat or vegetable hot and yummy is butter or oil, salt and pepper.  Maybe onions or garlic.  And I can buy whatever the grocery store has on sale or is in season — not what I have a recipe for.

By just heating whole foods, I’m also less stressed and more present for my kids because I’m not worried about creating something, or convinced I need to run out to the store to get tarragon or leeks.

So I thought I would share my three favorite ways to cook vegetables, especially since reader Ruth Brandt asked me recently, “I wondered if you could share with your readers in a little more detail about your approach to cooking using techniques and methods as a basis for creating meals as opposed to recipes in order to keep meals and shopping simple and economical.”

1.  Oven-Roasting

Out of all the methods, I love oven-roasting the most because it requires the least amount of work. The high heat in the oven caramelizes the vegetables, making them slightly sweet and crispy, a taste sensation that the whole family loves. Because of the large surface area of baking sheets, it’s also the best method for cooking up big quantities of veggies at once.

Just chop or slice your vegetables, and toss them with olive oil, salt, and pepper, in a bowl or right on the baking sheet.  Unlike baking, quantities in cooking are much more loose.  I just pour a big circle of oil over the vegetables and sprinkle a healthy pinch of salt.

Spread evenly and bake at high heat (like 450 degrees) until browned and crispy on the edges. Halfway through, loosely turn the vegetables so they get evenly browned. Taste and adjust for salt and fat.

Try oven roasting with:

• cauliflower and broccoli
• root vegetables like carrots, potatoes, beets, turnips, and onions
• green beans
• cherry or Roma tomatoes
• bell peppers
• winter squash, like butternut
• eggplant slices
• asparagus
• kale (at a slightly lower temp because it’s so thin)

Baking times will depend on the water content and hardiness of the vegetable. For example, green beans take about 20 minutes, but dense or water-heavy veggies like potatoes and zucchini could take more than an hour. Just check periodically to make sure they’re not burning; if the cooking is going too slowly, turn up the heat.

2.  Blanching and Tossing with Butter

Think of how you cook corn on the cob.  We boil it for a few minutes, then butter and salt it, and serve. The same method works with other veggies, especially ones that are eaten whole, like green beans, brussell sprouts, lima beans, and peas, or vegetables that are hard and dense like carrots or potatoes.

Blanching means quickly dropping a food in boiling water — usually a minute or two or until tender. Most cookbooks also call for plunging the veggies in ice water afterwards, to stop the cooking and avoid sogginess. However, if you are eating right away, this step is not necessary.

We also cook spinach (frozen or fresh) this way:  blanching, cooling, then squeezing out the water (either in a kitchen towel or by the handful). Small potatoes or cut large potatoes can be cooked this way, although blanching is extended to boiling for as much as 20 minutes, or until tender when poked with a fork.

All these vegetables benefit greatly from a generous dollop of butter and then some salt. Taste before serving, and then add more of either if the dish seems bland.

3.  Sautéing

Everyone knows this classic French method of cooking cut-up foods in a small amount of butter or oil. But I never imagined that I would be sautéing sliced celery in butter, and hearing my three-year-old ask for more.

One way to boost flavor with sautéing is to start with some chopped onion or garlic. Once this flavor base is mellowed a bit over heat, add your main vegetable and some salt. (I like to add salt early in the game so that it has time to seep in, or “marry,” with the vegetable.)

The smaller you chop your vegetables, the quicker the dish will cook. And also the longer you cook the dish, the smaller the vegetables will become (they will slowly lose their moisture and become more rich in flavor).

Here are some vegetables I like to sauté:

• asparagus
• celery
• fennel (especially delicious with butter, which I learned from my Italian mother-in-law)
• onion
• carrots
• zucchini
• tomatoes

After seeing Enrico’s mom make a ziti sauce with sautéed zucchini, I started looking at all vegetables as clothing for pasta. In fact any of the vegetables I’ve mentioned that end up soft and slippery when cooked are great over pasta, sprinkled with parmesan cheese.

Learning simple cooking methods saves money and time, and it also helps us try new foods.  Sure, I’ve memorized a few recipes that I make over and over, and I still consult my cookbooks now and then when I’m not sure what to do with Jerusalem artichokes or swiss chard.  But most of the time, all I really need are oil, salt, and a flame. With those basic building blocks, we can cook anything.

One of the side benefits of taking a break from the online world has been reclaiming time to read old-fashioned books. The towering pile of half-finished paperbacks on my bedside table had been getting dusty, but I rescued part of the stack this summer.

It’s rare that I read fiction.  What I love the most are non-fiction books that I think will help me improve myself, my life, or my outlook. I took a few on my two unplugged vacations. Here are the five that made the first cut — the suitcase — and the second cut — sharing with you:

1. Unless It Moves the Human Heart: The Craft and Art of Writing

by Roger Rosenblatt

Rosenblatt’s advice about writing well is insightful and even exciting, but this award-winning author and professor parted the clouds and let out the God light when he dared to answer the most profound question for me:  why write?

2. Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex

by Deborah M. Roffman

I count myself among the many parents who want to guide their children through the confusing process of growing up, but have no idea how. After hearing Debbie talk at our elementary school, I knew she was the one to be my guide.  Instead of the black-and-white “don’t do it” that we use to counter the media’s “just do it,” Debbie helps us provide kids with more realistic guideposts that are based in our own values.

3. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth

by M. Scott Peck, M.D.

Even though it was written in 1978, this book is still a wise and comforting roadmap for anyone who believes that it is possible to evolve as a person, a parent, and a partner.  Somehow I got a hold of this book when I was a teenager, and I loved it then like I love it now — especially the parts about discipline and love.  Self-discipline, Peck says, is essential to achieving anything from saving money to being a good spouse.

Peck’s definition of balance helped me understand why it’s so hard: the essence of balancing is “giving up.”  Giving up going farther at work so we can spend more time with our family, giving up staying up late watching TV so we can be well-rested the next day, giving up our lazy time for cleaning so we can have a restful environment.  When we realize what is required of us, I think it’s easier to step up to the plate.  Do you?

4. Fed Up with Frenzy: Slow Parenting in a Fast-Moving World

by Susan Sachs Lipman

This new book, written by fellow blogger Suz Lipman of Slow Family Online, is a wake-up call to anyone whose life has become more about chaos than calm. I’ll be reviewing this gem in a later post, but here is one of my favorite lines from the book:

“Instead of freeing us, technology … has created a culture in which many of us are afraid to unplug, for fear of missing something. It turns out that, instead, what we wind up missing is a life of family connection and joy.”

5. Your Money or Your Life: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence

by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin

Another older book which is in its third printing, Your Money or Your Life was at the forefront of the voluntary simplicity movement: which some describe as “simple outside, rich inside.”  Powerful stuff in this brave book about how we get caught up in a cycle of trading our life energy for money and our money for possessions.

The authors take people through a nine-step process of getting out of debt, saving money, and finding the peace of “enough.”  There is even a whole section on frugality, which they define as that “elegant fit between our real needs and how we enjoyably and ethically fill those needs.”

Thank you for letting me share what not only has been shaping my thoughts this summer, but what is helping me chart a clearer path as I go forward.

Have you been reading this summer? I’d love to hear what books have helped you be a better you.