When I moved to Manhattan, I never could have imagined that I would someday miss grocery shopping in this often teeth-clenching City.

Trials and Errors

I remember the very first days, when I would underestimate the weight of my bags and the distance home, only to arrive to my apartment with arms on fire and hands almost bleeding.

Then I would splurge on home delivery, but go to the store to pick out the items.  But with miniature carts with no kids seat, skinny serpentine aisles, and lots of equally ornery shoppers, the experience was little improved, even if someone did cart the stuff home for me.

Plus there were the typical child attention span issues.  On a couple of occasions, I had to abandon my cart in the aisle and exit the store with a crying baby, resorting to nursing him while sitting on a newspaper stand on raucous First Avenue.

I tried ordering groceries online from the D’Agostino’s on 80th and York, whose website I liked, especially the sort-by-unit-price feature. But after one too many calls from the store manager saying he was out of the Progresso soup on sale or the granola bars, but he would throw in a “really big” bag of french fries to make up for it, I finally climbed onto the Fresh Direct bandwagon.

The converted raved about this New York-only internet supermarket, but I was wary.  Why did they have to package everything in boxes?  If I bought my “fresh” food from the corner fruit and vegetable stand, why did I need Fresh Direct?  Would I miss being able to touch and see and stroll down the aisles?

Tips for Eating Well on Less

Last month I gave a speech, “How to Save Money While Raising Money in NYC” to a social and educational community for new moms in Manhattan called BabyBites.  In honor of Money Matters week on their blog, BabyBites published a portion of my talk in this short article, Take a Bite out of Big Apple Food Costs.

You can hear my three main tips here, and how New York ended up winning me over.

As an extra bonus, here is a post I liked from the Simple Mom blog:  11 Tips for Eating Healthy on a Budget.

Back to the Check-Out Line

So three months away from moving to a life of suburban ease in Syracuse, I find myself dreading going back to the way most Americans feed their families:  shopping in person at a spacious, luxurious supermarket with a gazillion choices, double carts in the form of race cars, and giant parking lots.

Luckily we humans are amazingly adaptable, and from what I hear, I think I’m going to like the local supermarket chain, Wegman’s.  How bad can hauling over to the store be when Wegman’s was chosen, over Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s, as the Food Network’s pick for the best grocery store?

And compared to New York City prices, anything is going to seem like a great deal.  So get ready, sushi aisle and international cheese section: here I come with my four-wheel drive!

Nancy Samalin is a best-selling parenting author, speaker and workshop leader, and a frequent guest on national TV and radio. Having met her through research for my article about cell phones for young children, How Being Frugal Can Preserve Your Child’s Innocence, I got the chance to interview her about antidotes to spoiling kids.

Interview with Parenting Expert, Nancy Samalin

Frugal Mama: In your book Loving Without Spoiling, you encourage parents to distinguish between a child’s needs and wants (something a child cannot always do).  For example, a child expresses a want when he begs for something because “everyone else has it.”

Sometimes it can be very hard for parents to resist these arguments, perhaps due to memories of feeling left out in our own childhood, or just wanting our child to fit in and be happy.

Can you offer parents any tools for dealing with this dilemma — in terms of our own inner struggles, as well as ways to respond to our children?

Nancy Samalin: I dont think a child in today’s world knows the difference between wants and needs AT ALL.  He’ll tell you:  “But I really want it badly.”  “Please, Mommy.  I’ll love you forever!”  “All the kids in my class have it.”   “I’m the only one…”   “Daddy would give it to me!”

First parents should ask the question:  Is this a want or a need?

Second, realize that just because he wants it doesn’t mean he’s greedy, selfish or spoiled.  The world today is full of so many temptations.  Instead of saying, “Look at all the trucks you have!  Why do you need another one?”   Try saying:  “That really does look like a nice toy.”  Followed by:  “You can put it on your wish list,” “I’ll keep that in mind,” or simply, “No, I can’t get you that toy.”

Remember that you don’t need to give an explanation every time you say no.  Explanations usually lead to arguments. Children will give you a reason why yours is not a good reason.  Try using a simple statement like, “Cookies are to be eaten after dinner.”

Frugal Mama: What about the guilt part, when parents think that maybe the kid is right and he’ll be an outcast at school if he doesn’t have that toy he’s been begging them for?

Nancy Samalin: If you feel sorry for your child when you’re saying no, wondering if you’re being mean, or maybe all the other parents are doing it — if you say no with doubt or ambivalence, or if it’s not 100% no — forget about it. Kids have huge powers of persuasion and patience to wear you down — especially if you’re not absolutely sure how you feel.  Children are like bloodhounds; they can sniff out maybe’s a mile away.

If you do say no and mean it, remember that an unhappy child is not an unloved child.  And an unhappy child is only temporarily unhappy. Parents forget that their job is not to make their child happy all the time.  If they do think their job is to make their children happy all the time, they’re at risk for spoiling their kids.

Frugal Mama: We’ve all heard that bribing or blackmailing kids is a no-no.  You point out, for one thing, that bribes can teach kids to be manipulative.  However, rewarding children is okay.  Can you explain the difference between bribes and rewards?

Nancy Samalin: The difference between a reward and a bribe is that a reward is after the fact, a bribe is before.  For example, a bribe is:  “If you stop bugging me, I’ll give you an ice cream cone.”

Here’s another example:  “Every time you brush your teeth, I’ll give you 50 cents.”  This works for five days and then the kid says, “I don’t feel like brushing my teeth.”

“Well, what about the 50 cents?”

“I want you to give me a dollar.”

A reward is when your child does something really thoughtful, caring or cooperative, and you say, “I really appreciate what you just did.  Let’s spend some time together tonight.  I’ll read you an extra story.”  Or, “Let’s go down to the store tomorrow morning and get a bagel together, just you and me.”  One very wise person said, LOVE is spelled TIME.

All that time parents spend with their kids — feeding, getting ready for bed, giving baths, supervising homework, what I call maintenance time — is not the same as focused time spent alone with a child (what some people call quality time, or what I prefer to call “special time”).

Even 10 minutes of focused time with a child — doing something you both enjoy — is a big gift. Here is an example from Loving Without Spoiling:

A high-powered businesswoman and her son are spending some alone time together and the phone rings.  Seeing that the mom doesn’t immediately jump up to answer the phone, the boy says, “Mom, the phone!”  When she says, “Let’s let the machine pick it up.  I’m having so much fun with you right now. That person can wait.”  The boy sits up tall in his chair, beaming.  What she was saying to him was, “You’re more important than anything else right now.”

Frugal Mama: In Loving Without Spoiling, you tell parents it’s all right to risk being unpopular by setting limits and saying no more often.  In my household, I’m the disciplinarian parent — and I’ve gotten even more firm over the years, even instilling a new system of household chores.

It may be other forces at work, but I feel like my children have been expressing more — not fewer — sentiments of affection towards me.  What is your take on this?

Nancy Samalin: Children feel secure if there are more limits.  Can you imagine crossing the George Washington Bridge with no guardrails?  Children feel good at the moment if they get their way, but then they don’t feel good about themselves because they realize they have too much power.  They’re little and we’re big.  They feel safer when parents are in control.

I strive to be empathetic and credible as a parent to my kids.  For example, being credible is saying, “You must use your restaurant manners or we’re going home” and then really doing it.  And you only have to do it once to send the message.  Following through with rules is much more effective than making threats.

Frugal Mama: I agree with you that most children don’t need more toys, and in fact, the amount of toys can overwhelm them.   Instead of expressing love through things, you recommend parents spend more quality time with their children.

This is wonderful advice, but it’s not always easy to implement — for various reasons.  We have so little time and energy at the end of the day, or we don’t know how to find a mutually-pleasing activity, or because purchasing a toy — in our concrete world — appeals to our sense of getting things accomplished.

In our family, one way I’ve found to ensure that quality (or one-on-one) time with our children doesn’t get squeezed out is to schedule an activity at a regular time (say every Sunday night) that is fun for both the parent and the child.

Can you recommend any other strategies for helping busy parents make that choice of time over stuff?

Nancy Samalin: The problem with buying toys is that toys don’t last very long.  And if you have more than one child, then how can you buy a toy for one without the other having a meltdown?  Toys offer a momentary burst of pleasure, then they are left somewhere or broken.  One way of treating a child with “wantitis” is to ask him to put the toy on his wish list.

Frugal Mama: And what about the question of time?  How do busy parents find it?

Nancy Samalin: It’s hard to find those little moments, but they are there. You don’t need to spend the whole afternoon together. That’s too long anyway. What often ends up happening is that you spend hours together at the circus and then it ends badly when the child throws a fit because you won’t buy him some cotton candy.

Find little segments of time.  Set a timer and tell a child, “It’s really hard to share me with the baby.  I know I haven’t had as much time since she was born.  So from 7:00 to 7:15, it’s just me and you.”

When the time is over, you’re finished.  Because we can’t spend quality time — 100%, in-the-moment time — with a child for a long period.  We’re just not built that way, especially in today’s world when there are so many distractions like computers, blackberries, email, phone, TV.  Ten minutes of really focusing on a child — that’s a huge gift.

About the Author

Nancy Samalin is the author of four books including Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings and Loving Without Spoiling: And 100 Other Timeless Tips for Raising Terrific Kids. Nancy’s books have been translated into many languages including Spanish, French, German, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Chinese, and Italian.

She has appeared on Dateline/NBC, 20/20, The Today Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show and CNN. She has been the keynote speaker and lecturer at many corporations including IBM, Time Warner and American Express and has spoken at countless schools and universities.

What about you? Are these issues you struggle with too? How do you solve them?

My daughters still talk about making these cupcakes for their little brother, whose birthday is near Easter.

All of the cupcake parts can be made ahead of time and either refrigerated (for a few days) or frozen (for more than a week).  We usually shop for the ingredients days ahead, make the cupcake batter and icing over one or two afternoons during the week, and then bake and decorate the cupcakes the day before the event.

Chick and Egg Cupcakes

(adapted from the Food Network)

For the cracked egg shapes, I would recommend using rolled fondant. Airheads, a taffy-like candy, is hard to find in white, and ours tended to flop over time.

Makes 24 cupcakes

• 1 batch Yellow Cupcakes and Butter Cream Icing
• green coconut grass (recipe below)
• 1 bag small malted speckled eggs
• yellow chick Peeps
• white AirHead candy (12 strips for 24 cracked eggs) or white rolled fondant

Press a circle of coconut grass on top of an iced cupcake. Nestle the malted eggs on top of the grass. Gently press the peep onto the center of the grass.

With scissors, cut the AirHead or fondant into a half circle.  Trim one side so it has a jagged cracked-egg look. Place the egg in front of chick.

Coconut Grass

• 2 cups sweetened shredded coconut
• 1 to 2 teaspoons liquid green food coloring
• 1/2 to 1 teaspoon liquid yellow food coloring

1. Preheat oven to 250 degrees F.
2. Toss the coconut in a large bowl while add food coloring drop by drop. A little more green than yellow makes a pretty grass color. Add a few tablespoons water to moisten the mixture and help spread the color evenly or if the color is too dark. Drain the coconut in a strainer.
3. Spread the coconut in an even layer on a lined baking sheet. Place in the oven until dry, about 10 to 15 minutes. Watch carefully so the grass does not turn brown.

One thing I love about blogging is the freedom to work on my own schedule and to choose my own topics.  The downside of a one-woman enterprise is that there is no one to take over when you go on vacation, get sick, or have a …

Baby

It’s official:  in July, we are expecting a little boy.

Compared to families that have 12 children, four is small beans.  But I’ve found that going from three to four seems to tip us into the “large family” category, where people say, “Oh my God,” instead of “congratulations” (and sometimes I agree with them!)

Usually the next  question is, “So are you going to have any more?”  And here is my best answer:  life is wonderfully unpredictable, and as much as I don’t like the idea of never having another baby, I have to admit I am thinking:  caboose.

Move

To add to the hub-bub of this summer, we’ll also be moving from Manhattan to Syracuse.  My husband’s fellowship in child psychiatry is ending and he’ll be starting a one-year fellowship in forensic psychiatry.

As you can imagine, my second-trimester nesting hormones are going crazy, but with no nest to feather as of yet, I feel like all I’m doing is flapping around and squawking.  Eventually we’ll find our house and our neighborhood, and hopefully a little circle of friends to share our brief but intense time in Syracuse.

Blog

During this busy period, I’ll be posting a bit less (more like once a week, instead of twice a week). I know my readers are busy too, so maybe less is more for all involved.

The blog is going well, with traffic slowly but surely increasing and connections multiplying.  I appreciate every time you take a minute to write a comment or pass along a post to a friend.   Each article is a labor of love, and it’s rewarding to be able to share with as many people as are interested.

Big Apple

These two years in Manhattan have been at once exhilarating and exhausting, exasperating and ecstatic.

Life for us here is unsustainable, but I’m glad to have experienced what it’s like to raise children in a place where people hail cabs instead of drive minivans, where the only place you’ll see a blade of grass is Central Park, and where kids push elevator buttons instead of back doors.

In the best of times, it was like living a vacation, with Rockefeller Center and the Statue of Liberty as everyday landmarks.  Yet whenever you really engage with a place, you also make friendships and connections, making it not so easy to just pick up and go.

However it has been fun to go to a lot of glamorous events I might not have found elsewhere, like:

• visiting ABC studios in Times Square where my kids were filmed with Santa for the Good Morning America Christmas show
• meeting Christopher Kimball, founder of my favorite cooking empire, Cook’s Illustrated and America’s Test Kitchen, at a talk at the 92nd Street Y
• participating in the first Kids Clothing Swap where I met the Lazy Environmentalist, Josh Dorfman and Clothing Swap Inc. founder Suzanne Agasi
• dazzling and inspiring my children (okay, me too) with multi-million dollar musical productions on Broadway
• speaking at a Baby Bites luncheon for new Manhattan mothers about saving money while raising kids in NYC
• taking part in an Italian cooking class and tasting with Rossella Rago of Cooking with Nonna and Slow Food New York founder, Ed Yowell
• being invited to a Discovery Channel Planet Green luncheon where I met the director and actors of What’s on Your Plate? and Colin Beavan, No Impact Man
• and, in a few weeks, being in the live studio audience of the Martha Stewart Show (where, by the way, we are advised to wear “cute jeans, chic dress, or trendy and fashionable outfits.”  Well, okay, then!)

Onward

There are many more ideas for this blog than I can ever write about in a presentable manner (without a small support staff).  I’d like to make a little dough, but without bombarding my readers with ads and hype.  One solution is to get assignments at paying publications, or to create a product (like an e-book) that can be of real value.

In the meantime, I’ll keep plugging away at Frugal Mama, my collaboration with Buttoned Up, and that elusive nest.

In the coming months, I’d like to include in my mix of articles some ideas that are colonizing my mind:

• Pregnancy- and baby-related topics like how to save money on maternity and kids clothes, the best free baby-naming websites, reviews of library books on natural childbirth, and the low-down on which baby gear you need (and don’t need)
• Relocating topics like scouting out neighborhoods online, evaluating public schools, and finding housing, honest movers and new communities of parents
• New York City topics like resources for raising children in the City on a tight budget, my favorite cheap family-friendly things to do, and ideas for a romantic yet low-cost couple’s weekend in the Big Apple

I hope this post finds you happy and well.

Photo credit: nest.

In Are Grocery Coupons a Waste of Time?, I came to the conclusion that low-value coupons are not worth the hassle.

While I still remain leery of coupons in general — in essence their purpose is to get us to buy more — they can be valuable when a real need arises.  As opposed to manufacturer coupons for specific products, high-value store coupons applied to the item of your choice can be quite fruitful, saving you tens of dollars instead of tens of cents.  And most don’t require you to jump through hoops to get the dang discount.

Here are my favorites:

1. Bed Bath & Beyond

Bed Bath & Beyond distributes so many of their 20% off coupons that it doesn’t make sense to shop there without one. (They clearly jack up their prices to allow for the ubiquitous discount.) Considering that sheet sets, kitchen knives, or furniture can be expensive, your savings are substantial. If you aren’t on their mailing list, you can sign up here.  (Look out for coupons in magazines like Real Simple.)

Helpful hints:

• Expired coupons: Don’t throw them out!  They accept them all the same.
• Competitor coupons: Bed Bath & Beyond also accepts coupons from similar stores.  (Too bad Linens N’ Things went under.)
• Multiple coupons: Most coupons are good for a single item, but you can use as many coupons as you want at one time.
• 20% Entire Purchase: Watch out for these special coupons — they are worth much more than the single item coupons.  Wait to use them when you need to buy a lot at once, like when you’re redecorating or moving.
• Downside: You can’t use Bed Bath & Coupons online.

2. Michaels

3.  A.C. Moore

4.  Hobby Lobby

When I lived in the real world (i.e., not New York City), I used to get these in the mail every week or find them in the newspaper. These craft stores carry pricey toys like Thomas the Train, so if you need a present for a child, you can save over 5 dollars with just one coupon.

Downside: They expire each week so you have to clip them regularly and keep them with you. Also if you don’t need craft supplies, you end up making a trip just to use the coupon.

5. Gymboree

Thanks to cousins and friends, we take care of virtually all of our kids clothing needs with hand-me-downs.  But when my children do need something, I have combined sales at Gymboree with one of their 20% off coupons and have gotten some really darling clothes for $5 to $10 a piece. You can find coupons in magazines like Parenting or you can get them sent to you by signing up for their e-mail list.

Warning: When you buy a certain amount from Gymboree, they will send you a coupon for Gymbucks:  $25 off when you spend $50.  Note: You must keep your receipt or packing slip from your last purchase to get the discount.

Because Gymbucks only work within a specific time period (maybe a month or so after your purchase), you can get caught up in an unintentional buying cycle, just to get the 50% discount (which is not a good deal if you didn’t need anything in the first place).

And you know how it is — just like with Amazon’s free shipping on orders over $25 — how often does it work out that your bills adds up to $50.01?

6.  Buy Buy Baby 

7. Babies ‘R Us

Every few months theses stores will send out coupon books for all sorts of products you may not need.  Look out for the one that says 15% or 20% off anything in the store. While these coupons do have expiration dates that the stores adhere to, you can save a significant amount on a high-ticket item.

Plus, being competitors, Buy Buy Baby and Babies ‘R Us will usually match each other’s prices and accept each other’s coupons.  You can call ahead to make sure, but I used to just go to the one that was more convenient to me, with the other’s one’s ad/coupons in hand.

Tip: You can use your Bed Bath & Beyond coupons at Buy Buy Baby, which is now owned by the mega home furnishings chain.  However there are some restrictions and, from what I understand, the coupon cannot be expired.

What are your favorite store coupons?

We all know that the library is the primo destination for saving money on reading. But sometimes we don’t live near a library, the book we want is not available, or we’d like to linger over it for more than two to four weeks. What’s more, we can’t go to a library to unload a boxful of books that have been gathering dust on our shelves.

Online book swapping can solve all of these problems. And websites dedicated to exchanging books are proliferating these days, with names such as Paperback Swap, Book Mooch, Novel Action and Whats On My Bookshelf, to name just a few.

How Does It Work?

Most swapping sites work on a point system where you earn points for donating books and you spend points for receiving books.

Transactions are done via the U.S. postal system and members usually pay shipping costs.

List books you want to trade by simply entering the book’s ISBN number.

When someone requests a book you’ve listed, you mail it out. When you request a book, you get it delivered to your mailbox.

Pros and Cons of Book Exchange Websites

Sounds good, but what’s the catch?

Disadvantages

• While postage costs can be low (especially if traders use the less expensive book rate), online swapping is still more expensive than using the library.
• A few users report getting damaged books that were not declared as such on the listing.
• Even though some sites provide you with labels, you have to package up books and get them mailed off.

Advantages

• You can keep books as long as you like, or trade them back whenever you want.
• Even with shipping costs, you generally pay less than buying used books from places like Amazon.com or Half.com.
• If you don’t like a book, you can simply trade it again.
• You can declutter while helping someone else and getting “new” books you want.
• Book swapping is probably not going to score you the latest hit on short notice (unfortunately, the library usually comes up short there too). But if you enjoy reading, you have books to purge, and you like to save money, online book swapping is worth a try.

Have you ever exchanged books online? How would you rate the experience?

This post is dedicated to the victims of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. 

“All children feel some level of anxiety,” explained Dr. Lori Evans, a child psychiatrist at the NYU Child Study Center in New York City, at the P.S. 183 PTA meeting this week. When Dr. Evans spoke, I took notes.  It’s not often that a renowned child development expert gives her time and wisdom gratis.

Here are some of the tidbits that she offered parents and educators and that I wanted to share with you: hey, sometimes it’s nice to know your kid is normal (even though he doesn’t always seem that way), or that there are simple strategies for dealing with seemingly huge problems.

• Anxiety comes in all shape and sizes. What might seem silly to parents – for example, the death of a Harry Potter character – can produce real worry in children.
• Sometimes anxiety is behind other kinds of behavior — oppositional, defiant, tantrum-throwing. The rebellious behavior could be about a child trying to avoid or escape a fear.
• Some kids somaticize their anxiety.  Stomachaches that are very real, including vomiting, can be caused by nervousness.  Parents can work with children to help them distinguish the difference between a stomachache that goes away in a couple hours, and one that lasts for days and is caused by a virus.
• Parents naturally want to reassure children when they are worried about something.  Over-reassurance, however, can breed the need for more reassurance.  Parents can teach children to say the comforting words to themselves.  For example, “What did mom say last time?” “You said I’m doing just fine.” Or, “Remember when you were afraid of dogs? What did you do to get over that?” Prompt the child to use those same coping strategies.
• Learn to distinguish between the pursuit of excellence (a behavior most parents value) and perfectionism (a behavior that can freeze a child out of worry).
• Kids read parental cues about anxiety and often mimic the emotion.  Parents can give confidence to kids by not showing worry about everything from a playground scrape to college testing.
• If a child sees you scared, it’s okay to say something like, “I was so nervous.  You were braver than me.  How did you do it?”
• We can teach kids how to handle their own anxiety by externalizing our processes:  “I was nervous about giving that speech, but then I told myself, ‘You’ll be okay,’ and then I felt better.”
• Ninety percent of people are average, but are we satisfied if our children are average? Parents inherently put pressure on children.  Our anxiety — about getting into the right school, for instance — gets translated to our children.  To some degree, and depending on our child’s personality, we need to control how much of our own anxieties we share with them.
• Some pressure can be motivating for children: “If you don’t get to school on time, you’ll get bad marks on your report card.”  However, parents need to judge their individual child.  Self-motivated children don’t need external pressure and it might even add to their internal anxiety. Understand your specific child when asking whether to put on pressure or just to say, “No big deal.”
• If your child has internal motivation, reward it.  If your child needs pushing (to practice a musical instrument, for example), it’s okay to use external motivators (rewards and punishments) to shape the behavior you need.
• Try positive motivators first, such as Grandma’s Rule (or the When-Then rule):  “When you eat your peas, then you can have dessert.”
• There is a point when we need to let our kids go. But it’s hard because kids today lead very structured lives and don’t have any experience with freedom. Find ways to give your children little freedoms when they start asking for them.  Resource: New York mom Lenore Skenazy’s book and blog and now parenting movement, Free Range Kids: “Giving children the freedom we had without going nuts with worry.”
• Give your children honest answers to questions like, “Will you die?” Let them know we all deal with uncertainties.  Reassure without lying with statements such as:  “I’m trying to keep myself very healthy.”  “Look how old grandma is.”  “I will always love you.”
• The way to get over any fear is to face it. Give your child techniques to deal with the anxiety, and then gradually overexpose the child to the fear.
• For children who are afraid of bad dreams, ask the child to retell the dream, over and over.  As we recount dreams that once seemed very scary and real, they begin to sound weirder and weirder.  Ask the child about the dream again and again, and it will even start to seem boring.
• For children who have extreme anxiety about something like going to the doctor or the dentist, try treating it with gradual exposure to the fear, working through a hierarchy.  For instance:  First look at pictures of doctors in books and online.  Then go to a doctor’s office just to pick up a brochure.  Another day spend a long time sitting in the waiting room — so long that your kid becomes bored.  Another day, ask the doctor if you can just come in to touch the stethoscope.

Dr. Lori Evans is a Clinical Assistant Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine, an acclaimed behavioral psychologist, and Director of Training of the NYU Psychology program. She provides clinical services to children and families and provides consultation services to many of the top schools and professionals in the New York-metropolitan area. Dr. Evans also coordinated the “Treatment of Adolescent Suicide Attempters” study at the Child Study Center. Dr. Evans has been published in Infant Behavior and Development and Child Development.

When I went to a kids clothing swap in New York, I met Josh Dorfman of the Sundance Channel’s The Lazy Environmentalist.  Later I interviewed him about how eco-friendly could also be budget-friendly.

Frugal Mama: Your book The Lazy Environmentalist on a Budget: Save Money. Save Time. Save the Planet is an excellent resource for people who feel like they should be doing more, but write off environmental solutions as being too costly.  What are some practices, like clothes swapping, where people win twice?

Josh Dorfman: I like services such as Gazelle.com which pay people to recycle their electronics and make it the whole process hassle-free. Or take Brita pitcher filters. A Brita saves you the hassle and expense of having to buy bottled water and lets you enjoy healthy, great tasting water that you can feel confident about drinking.

Zipcar is another classic example of a service that can save people – in this case urban dwellers – money along with the hassle of having to own and park a car in a city and still enable people to use them by dispersing them conveniently throughout a city. Numerous studies show that car share services like Zipcar help reduce the number of overall cars on the road and our collective carbon footprint.

Frugal Mama: Do you think organic food is worth the cost, and how can parents buy organic without doubling their grocery bill?

Josh Dorfman: Yes, I do because good health is a priority for me. I appreciate that organic farming practices make our environment cleaner but more importantly I appreciate the ability to eat quality foods while being able to avoid putting questionable chemicals in my body.

I think everyone should have access to organically grown food, which is why I applaud the steps of Walmart as well as mainstream supermarkets to offer such items at affordable prices.

In North Carolina where I live we have a great natural supermarket called Green Life, we have a bigger natural supermarket chain called Earthfare, and we have a more conventional supermarket called Ingles, which now makes organically grown food available and clearly marked in just about every aisle.

 

Frugal Mama: You started a green furniture company, Vivavi, and you also wrote the book The Lazy Environmentalist: Your Guide to Easy, Stylish, Green Living. I’m kind-of embarrassed to ask you this, but is it really bad to shop at IKEA?

Josh Dorfman: It’s better to shop at Ikea than a lot of other furniture stores. Ikea works closely with the Forest Stewardship Council to ensure that it sources its wood for its furniture from responsibly managed forests. For a huge company, Ikea is a leader in environmentally responsible practices. There’s still room for improvement but I wouldn’t feel bad about shopping there.

Also, I think Ikea’s solid wood cribs and other items are good picks for young parents because they don’t contain nasty chemicals like formaldehyde which can unfortunately be found in other baby furniture lines made of composite wood like particle board.

Frugal Mama: I love to shop online — great selection, no schlepping, and fewer impulse buys — but I worry about resources wasted in shipping boxes.  What is your take on having stuff delivered?

Josh Dorfman: My take is that it’s  not worth worrying about. For most people, if they go to the store to shop then they’re driving their cars and polluting that way. I haven’t seen any definitive studies about which is the most eco-friendly way to shop.

I believe that what’s most important is to purchase products made of environmentally responsible materials. The more companies switch to making green products, the easier it is for all of us to tread lighter on the planet and the closer we’ll come to an economy and society and that functions in balance with nature.

Frugal Mama:  Thank you for being with us today, Josh.  People can find many more eco- and budget-friendly tips at The Lazy Environmentalist.

This is the second part of an article that began with a debate over birthday party dilemmas and plans for a new kind of party.

So my 7-year-old’s sleepover party is set: the RSVPs are in (two friends will join Sofia and her sister), the groceries are bought, and the goodie bags are ready.

Easy-Peasy Preparation

Compared to the weeks of preparation that usually go into a traditional party with many more guests, I love the fact that I can put off most of the work until the day of.

The morning of the party, I make a quadruple batch of bon-bons and icing.

The house doesn’t have to be spotless, but we clean the bathrooms as usual. In the afternoon, we put up a few banners, blow up some balloons, set the table, add two chairs, and set a vase of tulips in the middle.

Dinner is prepped too: I wash the kale, Sofia grates the parmesan cheese, and 6-year-old Virginia cuts up the strawberries. We are ready.

5:30 p.m. | Arrival and Free Play

Our guests arrive: the parents stay for a bit to chat, but soon they are off to enjoy a quiet(er) night.  The party has officially begun.

The girls immediately start putting on all sorts of wacky get-ups from the dress-up bin and acting out a scenario where two town sisters rescue two country sisters lost in the woods.  Amazing:  no jumping off the bunk bed, tearing around the house, or other mischief-making.

I am busy cooking, as I usually am at that hour, and feeling almost blissful.  This is great, I think: the girls are playing nicely and I’m going about my usual ways. We’re eating favorite family dishes at our normal dinnertime: so far no major hardship.

6:10 p.m. | Dinner

We are able to fit our two guests at the dinner table so we all eat together. Sofia’s friends like our creamy pasta, but don’t wolf down the kale chips “like Doritos” as Sofia and her sister do. Oh well, an effort for a balanced meal was made.

Sofia’s little sister, Virginia, is palpably thrilled about how things are going:  “This is the best night I’ve ever heard of,” she announces at the dinner table.

The conversation is civilized and even sweet:

“How many grandparents do you have?”

“Before I knew you guys, I thought you were mean.”

“I pretend pasta is money and that helps me eat faster.”

Nonetheless, dinner is a bit rushed as one of Sofia’s friends finishes quickly and is raring for the next activity. I quickly clear the plates and bring out the strawberries.

The ring-shaped raspberry jello is a hit — everyone wants seconds. (Note to self: Skip the jello molds next time, which spilled all over the counters, stovetop and fridge, and then were difficult to release from the molds.)

6:45 p.m. | Fastest Pajama Change Ever

After dinner the girls want to get into pajamas. Great!   Whenever I bring up the idea, it’s like I suggested eating worms.

7:00 p.m. | Decorating Cookies

While the girls start arranging their sleeping bags on the living room floor, I get the table ready for cookie decorating:  a bowl of 96 cookies and 4 small bowls of white icing, which each girl can color.

While everyone else is carefully dipping the bon-bons in icing and sprinkling daintily, our high-energy guest is almost frantic, quickly dunking cookie after cookie, then dumping as many sprinkles as possible (and even when not possible, judging by the amount that just bounce off onto the floor).

I try to smile and breathe deeply, reminding myself that fixing the situation simply means buying more sprinkles and intensifying the clean-up.

7:30 p.m. | Movie

While I clean up, the girls watch The Lion King, Sofia’s all-time favorite. Two-year-old Mark is a bit noisy, but the girls are tolerant and half-way through, I put him to bed without too much of a fuss.

Things are going so according to plan at this point that I start feeling victorious. So far everyone is well-behaved and I find the homey, familial quality of the party endearing.

I’m feeling so rosy that I even imagine how nice it would be to have my teenagers’ parties here at home, where I can keep an eye on them and, you know, be like one big happy family.

9:00 p.m. | Storytime

However, the fact that Sofia still wants me to read her a story underlines how young she still is (and how unlikely it would be that she, as a teenager, would want to have a slumber party where kids decorate cookies, eat with the family and play dress-up).

Nonetheless, it’s touching how each girl chooses a picture book for me to read together on the big couch. (Sofia wants us to climb into the master bed together, but hubby — who is working in the bedroom — puts a damper on that one.)

9:30 p.m. | Get Ready for Bed

The lightning-fast getting ready part is almost reason enough to repeat a slumber party.  The toothbrushing and bathroom-going is so quick that I wonder if it is really accomplished, but I’m not about to inspect everyone. After all, it’s just one night.

9:45 p.m. | Chat (and More…)

Sofia had specified that she wanted to chat with her friends in bed, and even this seems to be going according to plan. The four girls turn out all the lights, pull out their flashlights, and get into their sleeping bags.

I should have known that the looseness of the term “chat” and the fact that there is no “next activity” to segue into would be a problem. Thinking they would just tire out and eventually fall asleep was delusional on my part.

First Sofia asks me if they can talk about “potty words” (previously outlawed in our household due to prolonged and extreme overuse). I think it’s cute that she asks my permission, and once again, I apply the “what the hay?” mantra and give it the OK.

The poopie and wee-wee talk goes on for about 1/2 hour then — instead of winding down — things start ramping up. I’m in my room trying to read when it seems they start playing with balloons, and then a game I wouldn’t have allowed if I had known: putting sleeping bags over their heads and trying to walk around.

This period also involves about 8 group trips to the bathroom.

When the increasingly rambunctious party starts to move to the girls’ bedroom, just one room away from mine, I put my foot down.

10:34 p.m. | Back to Chatting

The girls are corralled back to the living room and told they are to stick to the plan: conversation only.  After all, the party has been going on for 5 hours already, and I’m ready for it to wrap up for the night.

10:58 p.m. | Only Whispering

The talk is anything but tapering off, and I’m starting to get really sleepy. Knowing I still have a big morning ahead of me, I tell them that only whispering is allowed now.

11:16 p.m. | Forget Whispering, Just Be Quiet

The whispering thing doesn’t work. Given that it is past 11, I decide it’s better to use the word “quiet” instead of “whisper.”

11:32 p.m. | No Change in Noise Level: Warning 1

Pulling in the big guns:  “If you guys can’t be quiet, you’ll have to be separated.”

11:40 p.m. | Hubby Intervenes: Warning 2

Heretofore holed up in his room in front of a glowing screen, hubby goes to investigate when we hear loud talking in the girls’ bedroom. Sofia and a friend were getting electric shocks and itches from the sleeping bags, so they moved into the bunk beds.

11:52 p.m. | Warning 3:  Final Intervention

More talking in the girls’ bedroom and we can’t sleep. The last guest has joined her friends in the bedroom (while Virginia is fast asleep in the living room).

11:57 p.m. | Unfamiliar Noises in the Household

A friend’s incessant coughing makes it hard to fall asleep.  This one big happy family thing requires a little adjustment.

12:08 a.m. | All is Quiet

Snoozing happens.

6:33 a.m. | Giggling in the Bathroom

The girls are told it’s too early, go back to sleep.

The girls are up.

7:01 a.m. | Opening Presents

Sofia opens her friends’ presents, one of them being a board game which they embark upon immediately.

I start making coffee and breakfast.

7:30 a.m. | A Schism in the Party

Two of the girls are bored with the game and want to do something else. I feel obligated to find a solution and start to get out the craft project, but backtrack when I realize we need the table, which is set for breakfast, as well as an activity to fill the rest of the morning. Luckily breakfast is almost ready.

7:45 a.m. | Breakfast

I put 8 candles in Sofia’s croissant, since she’s not a cake person and the bon-bons are too small, and we sing happy birthday and eat pancakes, fruit and croissants. The restless guest is done in 5 minutes and ready for the next thing.

We still have more than 2 hours left to go.

The girls remark at how fun it was wearing sleeping bags on their heads. I nix the activity (it’s only fun until someone loses an eye), but allow them to do it if they crawl only.

Crawling down hallways in sleeping bags and other giggly games take over.

8:45 a.m. | Mom Sneaks a Shower

Knowing I’d have to greet parents soon, I leave the party in hubby’s hands and get ready quickly.

9:00 a.m. | Dressing and Packing Up

With only an hour left of the party, I tell the girls they need to get dressed and packed up before we can do the final activity: making Valentine’s cards.

Things have somehow deteriorated, which I notice when one girl asks for a hair band and Sofia snaps at her, annoyed at her simple request. Surely tired after only 6 hours of sleep, but no excuse for being mean, I reprimand her and try to force her to shape up.

The situation worsens as the party breaks into two camps: Sofia and her best friend, and the now third-wheel friend and Virginia, who identifies with being “annoying.”

9:15 a.m. | Valentine’s Craft

Two more serious private talks from me and my husband with Sofia, who is defensive and unapologetic.  The girls throw themselves into the craft activity, and just moments before the party is over, Sofia pulls it together and speaks kindly to her friend.

10:00 a.m. |  Pick up & Party Over

Even though things have been rudimentarily patched up between Sofia and her friend, I feel sad as we say good-bye to the two girls.  My daughter’s incomprehensible behavior (and the antics of the night before) have left me feeling both edgy and empty.

Big surprise: it is a birthday party, after all.

Analysis

Same Party, Different Highlights

Clearly the best part of the party — for me — was from 5:30 to 10, when we had back-to-back planned activities. For my daughter the best part was “nighttime” — when they had more freedom to act wild and crazy.

This conflict of interest gives one pause in planning future parties.

You Can’t Beat the Cost:  Under $20

With recycled decor, left-over supplies, and the minimal amount of food these little girls ate, the cost of the party was next to nothing. We did spend $7 on flowers and about $5 on the goodie bags, which my daughter made from red paper lunch bags, and which included the girls’ cookie and craft creations.

Annoyance Factor: The Piper Has to Be Paid

While requiring no schlepping, coordinating, herding kids, or putting on a show for parents, the sleepover’s length, the stickiness of small group dynamics, and the inevitable lack of sleep made it just as exhausting as any other party.

Coziness at a Price

Having the party at home also involved its pros and cons.  Easy-going, comfortable and contained as it was, the party did require a lot of clean up.  Between dinner, decorating cookies, breakfast and making crafts, I vacuumed three times, and still found more to sweep up days later.

What I’d Do Differently

Number of Guests

Three is a tough number.  On the one hand, it meant that Sofia’s sister was not the fifth wheel, and it was quite satisfying seeing her included like one of the gang.  Inviting three or more friends would have meant more to handle, but perhaps would have eased the social drama at the end.

Perhaps something to try would be to invite only one best friend, although this would change the tenor from a party to just a sleepover.

Timing

Assume kids are going to get up early and end the party earlier.  A 9 a.m. end time would have been plenty.

Tire Them Out, Somehow

While this is not possible living in a New York apartment building, my mom suggested trying to expend some of that crazy energy by having the kids do some strenuous outdoor activity beforehand.

Part of the beauty of the sleepover concept is that it’s all so contained (physically, anyway), but something to consider if you have a backyard.

Final Judgment:  Would I Do It Again?

I could veto birthday parties, of course, but the truth is, there’s something about parties that makes me want to fall for them over and over.

Maybe it’s my party girl past, or just that parties are frivolous and color-rich pursuits that transport us from the routine of daily life.  Besides, what parent doesn’t love to make her children feel happy and special?

Given that this sleepover cost at least 10 times less than a normal party and it wasn’t that much more stressful, it’s hard to rule it out as a party concept.

I can’t say I’ll ever become one of those brave mamas who invites 12 teenagers into her house for a slumber party, but then again — I should know by now, you can never say never.

Have you ever hosted a sleepover or sleepover party? What is your take?